Who are you?

Or better yet, who am I?

I'm having a very introspective, soul-searching kind of day. I'm questioning things I wasn't concerned with yesterday. I'm pondering and reaching, trying to find answers that may not even be there. Or at least maybe they haven't appeared yet... like when you're playing Legend of Zelda and you know you need the boomerang in order to advance through the Forest Temple but you haven't found the boomerang quite yet, so rather than move forward, you have no choice but to keep searching for it.

*sigh*

I'm pretty sure that my self-perception is inaccurate. I feel like I'm This but the feedback I get from others says that I'm That. Now I'm left trying to figure out if I'm This, That, or The Other, maybe a combination of the previous two.

I like to think that I'm constantly evolving and changing. Hell, if there's one thing constant about me as a psycho Pisces female, it's that change does not scare me. I got divorced in record time and moved across country almost on a whim, then decided to move back after having one particularly bad night alone. I go through jobs faster than most people go through a pair of jeans and have never held the same job longer than 2 years. Big change is an issue for me but not necessarily something I fear. I'd almost go so far as to say I thrive upon it, though I'm not proud of this fact.

It's the little changes that seem to give me trouble. Changes in my actions and reactions, my attitudes, my wild mood swings, and watching my god damned mouth. Changing basic character flaws does not come easily to me, although Aaron swears up and down that I've come a looooong way from when we first started dating two years ago. I feel like I've grown up a lot between 26 and almost 29. I feel like I've become much more aware of my behavioral issues, especially in romantic relationships, and will be a better partner to my next victim. But then something always seems to happen that points to NO, YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED MUCH and I feel like I'm back to square one.

Now that I'm back in Colorado, I would LOOOOVE to go back to my therapist whom I was seeing before I moved to Tucson. She was helping me deal with getting divorced from someone I loved while simultaneously dating someone new, working through all those contradictory feelings, but then I moved away before our work was complete. I went to two new therapists in Tucson but didn't click with either of them. Now that I'm back, I really wish I had some fucking health insurance so I could afford to see her again and get back to sorting myself out.

*sigh, again*

I guess I'm still just muddling through life, trying to figure it out. I just really look forward to being at the point where I feel like an honest to goodness Adult, with a stable job that I'm not constantly afraid of losing, a stable group of friends that I'm not constantly afraid of losing, and a stable relationship that isn't hindered under the weight of my divorce baggage and long-distances. I'll be 29 on February 20. That seems like an age where such things should not be out of reach and seems like a good year to really learn who the fuck I am. Right? Right???