Today is my 29th birthday and it's not starting off well.
12 minutes into February 20, 2009, I am trying my best to fend off a panic attack that is trying to tear its way through me. Two hours ago, my mom informed me that my aunt's Stage 1 breast cancer is actually Stage 2, as it's apparently in her lymph nodes. Less than a month ago, the doctors thought it was nothing, not even worrisome enough to be called Stage 1. Now, after a lumpectomy, a few biopsies, and too many mammograms, here we are.
I know that Stage 2 is NOT Stage 4, so I don't need to be freaking out just yet. However, I can't pretend not to be scared and sad about this news, because I'm very close with this particular auntie, and I just don't know how to cope with such a harsh discovery. The rational side of me wants to do what I always do and use the Law of Attraction and the power of positive thought to help her kick this thing. I want to set up my altar, burn sage and candles, meditate, and send her all the happy and healing thoughts I can muster. The irrational side of me wants to cry myself to sleep and let this panic attack take hold. Well, I don't WANT to let the panic rush over me, I just know that's what will happen if my defenses break and the tears begin to flow. Just two weeks ago, I had the worst panic attack I'd had in two years, so I am really not looking forward to having two big ones in two weeks, especially when my Xanax supply is nearly exhausted...
28 minutes into my 29th birthday now, blogging to keep myself busy, distracting myself with Pandora.com internet radio, stalling so I won't have to crawl into bed with my racing thoughts. I'm desperately trying to ignore the downward spiral below me, beckoning me to start worrying about the fragility of life, the "you never know what will happen tomorrow"-ness, and (worst of all) mortality in general. Actually, no, not in general. Mortality in specific, specific to someone I love dearly and who means a whole helluva lot to me.
Fuck.
This just sucks. I really, really, REALLY hope my birthday gets a bit brighter in the next 23 hours and 22 minutes...
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1 comment:
Hey babe,
Follow your logic!
Healing and health... they're a very fine-toothed comb. And they're incredibly relative.
To one person, health is defined as a certain set of physical criterion, and to another, it's defined as the ability to survive adversity. Yet another will define it as the ability to cope with life's stressors. All depends on who you ask!
The best way that you will be able to combat a panic attack is to focus on your attitude about the whole thing.
Your aunt needs supportive, positive laughter and love right now. Yes, you have every right to be fearful-- but at this point, it'll be easier for you to cope with this major life stressor by deciding that you are going to give her every ounce of loving energy you can muster-- and both of you will feel better.
Much love to you my sister friend! If you need some extra butterflies, rainbows, and sunshine, lemme know. I'll try to help fill your reserves so that you have more to give to your aunt! :)
<3
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