1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2. favorable reception; approval; favor.
3. the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.
4. the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.
It sure is hard to shoehorn this whole cancer thing into that definition, isn't it?
Denial. –noun
1. an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false.
2. disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
3. the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.
4. refusal to recognize or acknowledge.
That seems more appropriate, doesn't it?
Acceptance is a funny thing because it can be far more kinetic than expected. I find myself going for days at a time simply accepting my diagnosis, trudging ever forward on this path to Mastectomyville, unflinchingly and without question. Then suddenly, without warning, the full weight of the situation falls on my shoulders again like the 1000-pound gorilla that it is and I suddenly remember that we're not just talking about ANY 29-year-old with breast cancer, we really ARE talking about ME. And the cycle begins anew...
Denial. NO. NO WAY. I can't effin' believe this. It's not happening. It doesn't make sense. I'm too young. I've never smoked. I've never been a drinker. I've never ever been a drug-user. I'm slightly overweight but certainly not obese. Hell, I have a gym membership. I've even used it a few times. There is no reason for this and, thus, cannot be real. It just can't.
Anger. FUCK THIS. WHY ME? Why my beautiful breasts, of all things?? Why NOW, when my life has been going SO FUCKING WELL for the last few months? And why AGGRESSIVE cancer? Why not lumpectomy-worthy cancer? It fucking HAS to be bilateral fucking mastectomy-grade cancer? For the reals? For the really fucking reals? You have got to be motherfucking kidding me.
Bargaining. Deals with God(dess). If I just think some happy thoughts and be good, it'll go away. If I eat these avocado rolls for lunch instead of Wendy's, my tumor will shrink. I promise to go to the gym more and eat, like, 2 or 3 veggies a week if you'll just make my cancer diminish, Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz. Now I'll just click my tattoo three times...
Depression. Tears. Tears upon sobbing mess of tears. Vacant staring into the distance followed by laying in bed for three straight days. What's the point of getting up? I have cancer. The world is a cruel, horrible place where good people get saddled with terrible situations for no apparent reason. This sucks and I shall wallow in it because I know not what else to do.
Acceptance. It's all going to be okay in the end, I just have to get through this shit storm first. It is what it is and I can either fight or... well... not. The best thing to do is make lemonade with these painfully sour lemons and be sure to add enough sugar to lighten it up. I get to wear fun wigs and false eyelashes and other such girly girl things. I'll be done with chemo before my birthday, which will make my 30th that much bigger of a celebration. I'll have nothing left to panic about, since cancer has always been my main panic attack trigger in the first place. Once you beat your biggest fear, what else is there to panic about? My fear of butterflies? Everything else seems silly and pales in comparison. This too shall pass and I will have the harrowing tale of my survival to share for many, many years to come. And I'll grow ever closer to my friends and family along the way, as so many shoulders have been offered-up for my leaning needs.
Except that this shouldn't be happening... no, it's not really happening, it can't be...
Ah, the ebb and flow of all things. It's so hard not to get caught in the emotional undertow. We just gotta fight the pull, firmly plant our feet, and wrench ourselves out onto the beach of joy and love so as to avoid drowning in an ocean of fear and despair.
Easier said than done but never impossible.
I am a lotus, rising from the slime and muck to stand strong and beautiful above the water's surface.
3 comments:
Dear Amber my sweet loving cousin,
7-27-09
As I sit here reading your amazing Acceptance vs. Denial letter with tears rolling down my face you know that I have no words to give you that would make you feel better but what I do have for you is 'I love you' kiddo and you have a such gift with words. You are an incredibly intelligent woman Amber and I am so proud that you are my little cousin (2nd generation) how lucky are we to have such a wonderful loving family? Not everyone has that you know!
I am with you on the Denial end though! It is so much easier to deny what’s painfully real then to accept it. I’m here to tell you that BOTH of them will get you through with the love and support of your family. I wish, as everyone else does, that there was something I could do to take away your pain. Looking at your beautiful pictures I see an incredible woman, you have the genes of your Mom, and ‘One Day at a time’ you will take care of yourself.
This Wednesday July 29 is Diana’s 2nd year in Heaven and a piece of me went with her. I miss her beyond the beyond but like you she hit her disease head on and sometimes the universe is not nice. I say why? Why her? Why does her little girl have to grow up without a Mommy? Amber, there is no answer - it just is! Then sometimes I think about what some people said to me before Diana died – one of them was “well, Joyce look at this way she lived for 21 years, what more could you ask for”? So let me tell you Amber about anger it’s not a pretty site but sometimes it helps us to survive. So I guess what I’m saying to you is cry, cry until you have no more tears, sleep all if you want, get so angry that you break something and get mad at life and the world, that my dear is truly Ok because in the end you will have to say goodbye to your beautiful breast (s) and then take your time to heal. You are an incredible woman Amber and don’t EVER forget that – You Are Loved!!!
I Love you Beyond!
Your big and loving Cousin,
Joyce
P.S. Just remember Amber that you do have angels up in heaven watching over you! Grandpa is right by your side and I gave Diana permission to leave us and fly over to Colorado and be by your side. She comes in the form of a 'lady bug' so watch out for her, she is truly magic!
So here I thought I was going to have all this great advice for you, but as I read your words on fear denial and acceptance, you don't give me much to say! Ha! I can tell you though that already you are impacting everyone around you, and I can see that you are going to touch peoples lives you didn't expect to even reach! I can also promise to be by your side when you want to forget this isn't happening, lay in bed with you when you can't get up, (and you look like Sandra Bullock) throw shit around when you're pissed off, and mostly dance and sing when you need to let loose! Keep in mind that no matter what you lose, ie: breast hair etc, you are still you! Don't let that change! Your identity is not amber who has cancer, it's amber who is a pisces and amber who is a friend to many and amber who is strong beautiful and full of life no matter what! I love you girl! Lean on me when your not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on! Love Litta
OMG, Joyce and Litta... thank you both SOOOO much. I love you guys so much and your comments were a wonderful surprise to read first thing in the morning. *HUGS*
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