Fear certainly has its place in human evolution. The fight or flight response is extremely important and a jolt of adrenaline has kept many a human alive in the face of all sorts of extreme situations, from animal attacks to muggings in Manhattan. Fear does serve a purpose, at times.
However, in the course of a normal day-in-the-life, fear can be counter-productive. Fear can hold us back from making necessary change in our lives. Fear can paralyze us in the face of potential happiness. And fear can also take a bad situation and make it, seemingly, ten times worse.
Today, I was terrified.
A brilliant surgeon was laying a plan before me, a plan full of life-saving and life-enhancing choices, and I froze in the face of modern medicine. It was all too much. Too much information was being lauded upon me too quickly and I could no longer process any of it. My brain shut down, the fear took over, and I fell to pieces. Hearing the details of how my breasts would be meticulously removed, rebuilt, and reconstructed over the next year was terrible. Seeing pictures of actual reconstructions was horrifying, as they did not look as I'd expected. I felt as if my womanhood and my identity were being ripped from me in the face of this abhorrent disease, this mutation over which I have no control, and at an age when such things should not be happening. After 60 minutes with the surgeon and 55 minutes of crying my eyes out, I left with shaking legs and a heavy heart, simultaneously going through three stages of grief at once: denial that any of this is really happening, anger that it actually IS happening, and depression over the loss of my perfect twins.
Two hours later, after a recovery dinner with my mother, we got a phone call that my aunt's new husband of only 10 days, who has been in the hospital all week after a mesenteric vein thrombosis caused him to lose 2 feet of bowel, is going in for another emergency surgery to remove another foot. They're not expecting him to make it through and they are out of options if this doesn't work.
I gain perspective. I have options. I have life-saving options. Many are not lucky enough to have such luxuries. Some would be happy just to be alive with their new wife, even if it means living with a colostomy bag. My vanity takes a back seat and the fear leaves me. I will live through this and I need to be grateful for it.
By the by, he made it through surgery okay. He's not out of the woods but he is much better than he was hours prior.
Sometimes, one option is all you need. You just have to put the fear aside and make the choice to affect the necessary change.
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2 comments:
I am so proud and pleased you've made the tough choice to go for it. You are a beautiful woman and will still be when all is past. Life holds many things for you, yes some options have been taken away but many others will fill what is missing.
You have our prayers, thoughts and love!!!
Gary C
As I can only guess what you must be feeling, I can honestly say that your day yesterday was exactly how I would of felt also. And that is normal. After seeing my mother go through what she had to and my best friend fight for his life with leukemia, I know there will be good days, bad days, great days, and terrible days, but the whole idea is that you do WHATEVER it is you have to do to stay with us for a long long time. Health overtakes all (and this is coming from someone who is as shallow as a puddle). Your beauty will never be gone. Never.
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