One the one hand, I feel like all of this cancer non-sense has gone so fast that it makes my head spin. Found the lump June 9, mammogram June 27, biopsy July 7, diagnosis July 8, mastectomy Aug 20, port placement Sept 22, chemo Sept 28. Since I live my life from clinic weekend to clinic weekend, my summer was flying by anyway but with all of these big dates coming and going, along with the work and personal life drama that has tainted my life in the last month, it seemed to go faster than usual.
However, when I think about the vast number of conversations I've had about my cancer, from lump discovery to treatment, having the same conversations over and over with coworkers, friends, students, and strangers, I am just so sick of myself and it feels like I've been a cancer patient for fucking FOREVER. Everyone is curious and concerned, and I know WAY more people that I gave myself credit for, so I've explained so many things so many times that I almost wish I had a new story to tell. Sure, I guess it changes a bit as time goes on. I mean, instead of telling people about my mastectomy this week, I've been able to explain why the hell my arm is bandaged and bruised from my port placement. That's neat, I guess. I just, I dunno... I feel like an attention hog? I feel like I've been in the spotlight too long? I feel... I don't know. I'm just tired of talking about myself because I feel like I'm being vain or something, except that people are asking ME rather than me forcing it on THEM (I think... have I been forcing my cancer into conversations?).
So now, after all that's happened in such a short time, I'm just fucking READY. Let's get it on, let's start the chemo and shave my head and get this show on the road already. I've got the wigs at the ready and am actually really looking forward to not having to blow-dry and straight-iron my hair every day. I'm enrolled in a class called Look Good, Feel Better, a free class run by the American Cancer Society that teaches cancer patients a bunch of makeup and wig-care tips, like how to draw on eyebrows and skin care for chemo'd skin. I'm about as ready as I'll ever fuckin' be, I guess, and I just want to START already. The sooner the start, the sooner it'll be over, right?
T-minus 5 months 'til my 30th birthday, my shining light at the end of the tunnel. I just gotta get into the damn tunnel before I can work on getting out of it!
