Through the Tunnel, Looking Back

Had a helluva weekend here at the end of my cancer journey.

A year ago right now, I wasn't even diagnosed yet. I had just gotten my irregular mammogram and was awaiting biopsy, only to be diagnosed on 7/8/09 with Grade 3 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

A year later and I am just over-whelmed by the love and support I've received from more people than I ever would've imagined.

I spent today up in Breckenridge with my friend Bo, to watch my friends Heather and Jimmy cross the finish line at the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. These two walked 39.3 miles, a marathon and a half, over two days, and they did it in my honor. Now that I'm almost 6 months out of chemo and my hair officially looks like an intentional hairstyle, I didn't think I'd get very emotional up there but of course I was wrong. As I hugged Jimmy, one of my bestest bestest friends, the weight of the past year hit me all over again and I lost it, sobbing into his shoulder to let it go. As much as it's brought up in conversation in my every day life, I tend to forget that we're actually talking about ME here. It's so surreal, like we're talking about a close friend of mine. Then things like the Avon Walk happen and I remember HOLY SHIT, I FUCKING SURVIVED CANCER. CANCER, for fuck's sake. While I was going through it, waiting to see light at the end of the tunnel, I basically just put my head down and plowed through, doing what I had to do to fight for my life and stay alive. Chemo treatment 1, 2, 3, 4... boom boom boom, knock 'em out like it ain't no thang. And why was I able to survive like this? Because of charities like the Avon Walk that contribute to the research and science that kept me alive. So surreal.

The downside of being on this side of the tunnel is that this is where all the medical bills live. Between normal living expenses and medical bills, I've been having a very hard time surviving paycheck to paycheck, and I have a pile of unpaid bills sitting on my kitchen table, staring me down. Last night, however, my friend Manea threw a charity theme party in my honor to help raise money to pay off my medical bills. With one party, they did it. Raised enough to get me out from under this mountain (I think... need to actually add it all up...) and put me back on my feet. Colorado Pagan Community, I THANK YOU. I can't get over the love and support you've provided me over the past year, I am just so grateful.

You know, my dad (who is born-again) often tells me that I need to come to his church sometime so I can accept Jesus and be a part of his church community. He tells me that they're good people and they'll support me through these tough times. And I always tell him that I appreciate the offer but no thanks. I already have a spiritual community and they offer me more support than he can even fathom. He, of course, doesn't see Pagans as a spiritual community but that's his loss. I can't imagine a more fabulous and generous group of human beings. You people rock my motherfuckin' socks.

So as I look back through the tunnel, remembering how scared I was a year ago right now, I can honestly say that cancer hasn't been THAT bad and it's because of YOU. All of you fabulous creatures that have supported me and helped me though this year, you got me through it and I love you all for it. I cannot thank you enough!

Love and light,
Amber/Lotus

Gratitude List, 5/31/2010

Also posted to Facebook but forgot to post it here, this month's gratitude list.

Here we go, y'all. Time to get my gratitude on and put out some good juju to the Universe. Giddy up.

- Since it's Memorial Day, I'll start by saying I'm grateful for the selfless sacrifice of our troops. My grandpa and most of my uncles served in the Army or Navy, so I salute them especially. And I'm also quite grateful that we've made the first steps towards repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell. That law makes me feel stabby and I'm stoked that we've made progress there.

- I'm grateful that my cousin Melitta is still fighting for life and refusing to give up while awaiting a SECOND lung transplant. She's still the most positive, uplifting person I've ever met, the most powerful 80 pound woman on the planet. I'd be REALLY fuckin' grateful if a transplantable lung magically appeared today, though. Just sayin'.

- I'm grateful to be CANCER-FREE! I'm grateful for my health, and that my PET scan came back negative last week and that I can keep on keepin' on as a normal, healthy, fake tit-having 30-year-old woman.

- I'm grateful that this is my last week as the Nippleless Chick, since I'm getting my new tweakers installed on Thursday. Sure, I'll have an awkward period of time where I have the bulls-eye part of the nipple (which I get Thursday) but don't have the areola to go with it (they'll be tattooed next month) but oh well. Won't be any weirder than not having nips at all so I'm freakin' stoked that I'll be one step closer to feeling normal again.

- I'm grateful that my sister's pregnancy has been totally healthy and normal and that she hasn't used meth since getting knocked up. My soon-to-be nephew seems to have saved my sister's life. I hope she stays clean once he arrives next month.

- I'm grateful that Nick resigned and I have the opportunity to apply for his position, thus ensuring a raise and getting my weekends back. I took the clinic job 17 months ago with the intention of moving into the classroom when it became available, so here I am. Even if I don't get this particular position, I'm grateful for the interview opportunity so I'll be even more prepared for the next position that comes available.

- I am grateful for my students who become actual bonafide friends after graduation. Like, actual friends that I actually hang out with outside of clinic, not just Facebook friends. Amandas Weeks and Dalton, Lydia B-J, Joshua and his liberating experience, Jenna Wetherby, Bo Brinson, Karla (*snicker*), Tony PowPow, I'm lookin' at you guys. You rock and I'm so glad DSMT brought us together!

- Don't get me wrong, I'm also grateful for EVERY graduate on my friends list. Yunno, since about 40% of my FB friends are former students of mine. :) I love seeing you guys in the clinic and I'm so proud of you all.

- I'm grateful that Andrew and Lily moved back from Seattle! And I'm grateful that we all stayed friends after Aaron and I broke up. Though if Aaron and I are still friends, no reason the rest of us wouldn't be but still! I'm just glad to have you guys around a lot these days. And Lily, the Gaga concert is going to be so fucking fun! I can't wait!

- I am grateful for OkCupid. Yes, I know. But really. I've met some really good friends on there (I love you, Katy! And Jason! And... Cody? No.) and still have hope that I might actually meet a fantastically fucking wonderful guy from that site. Of course, some people would call me overly-optimistic. Just ask anyone who's ever been to Vegas with me. "SOMEONE'S gotta win the jackpot, so it might as well be me!" :) But still... I have hope. He's out there. I just KNOW it...

- I'm grateful for all the usual wonderful things in my life: my family, my friends, my beautiful townhouse, my evil kitteh, my Vibe (that's my car, you pervs), my co-workers, my boss, my comfy bed, and all those other creature comfort type things.

- I'm grateful that Ben Gunn is going to be giving me a huge, beautiful tattoo and is letting me pay for at least part of it with massage. He is fucking awesome, his shop keeps getting voted Best of Denver, and I can't wait to get this piece. My back will never be the same.

- I'm grateful that I've finally learned how to keep plants alive! I have 10 plants in my house now and only one of them seems to be trying to kill itself (does anyone know about rubber plants? I can't quite get the watering schedule down with it. Either that or it's still in shock from being transplanted to a new pot...)

- I'm grateful for YOU! Yes! You! Thanks for existing! And thanks for reading this! I love you long time!



Me and two of my favorite grads-turned-friends.

Commitment to Myself

I posted this on Facebook a few days ago but thought I'd post it here as well, just to reinforce the sentiment:

As part of a corporate training at work a few months back, our corporate bosses asked all of us instructors to write out our commitments to the company, to the school, to the students and to ourselves, and then had us share our commitment statement with the whole group. The theory behind this being that we're more likely to keep to a commitment when we take the time to write it out and state it aloud to others.

Having just returned from the gym, exhausted and sweaty and 520 calories lighter, I am choosing to state my commitment to myself aloud to all of you who choose to read this.

I am committed to my health and wellness.

I am committed to work out at least three times a week, even if I only walk on a treadmill. Any exercise is better than no exercise. (Sound familiar mom and Chelsea?) :)

After a few weeks of getting back into cardiovascular shape, I am committed to attending Step Class at least twice per month at 24-Hour Fitness on 120th & Sheridan or 44th & Tennyson.

I am committed to eating out no more than once a week. If it so happens that I'm out a second time in any given week, I am committed to getting the HEALTHY option. Like, even something with plants in it.

I am committed to using the Lose It! app on my iPod Touch, which is a brilliant and wonderful app that tracks weight, exercise, calorie intake, and goals. It's a free app. If you have an iPhone or iPod Touch, you should definitely download it!

I am committed to not set unrealistic goals for myself. I will never be a size 6 and I am okay with that. I want to comfortably fit into a size 12. They say the healthiest goal is 10% of one's current weight, so I'm shooting for 18.5 pounds by the end of the summer.

I am committed to keep to the pact I made with one of my students today. She said she gave up ice cream, beer, soda, and Starbucks until she graduates on August 5. I agreed to give up the same things for the same period of time. Though we both agreed that my vacation time July 7-11 doesn't count. :)

I am committed to buying at least two pairs of FLATS to wear instead of heels to work all the time because my knees, ankles, and plantar fascia are really starting to bother me and it's making me feel old.

I am committed to eating better, bringing my lunch to work or coming home for lunch, and forcing more plants into my diet.

I am committed to buying a cheap blender so I can make smoothies, thus easily forcing plants into my diet.

I am committed to not get cancer again. Just sayin'.

I am committed to doing this FOR ME and not for anyone else. Because I love me. I'm freakin' awesome. And this will make me freakin' awesomer.

FUCKIN' A. Go team.