Things I Learned in Europe

I also posted this to Facebook while I was in Paris last week. So again, please pretend this is fresh and shiny and new and that I'm still in Paris, writing this from a bistro.

- As mentioned earlier this week, carbs and meat do not make you fat. Eating the typical American processed food diet and being lazy make you fat. Get up, walk around, eat better foods, and you can eat as much bread/cheese/wine/gravy as you want.

- French men are the horniest bastards ever and they pretty much just expect you to fuck them simply because they were polite enough to ask. Non means non aux États-Unis, but not in France. No means "what? Why not? I dont get it."

- Need a pick-me-up? Go out and meet a couple of Australian girls, especially slutty ones. They are about the funniest chicks I've ever met. Australian whores make everything more entertaining, even when dumbass hostel roommates are waking everyone up at 2am.

- Black men love hips and booty no matter where in the world you are. I think it must be genetic. But I get the distinct impression that the ones in France don't see my particular body type often (I definitely don't see many French girls built like me, skinny bitches that they are). I'm having to beat them off with a stick. Wait no, I'm not beating them off... I mean... You know what I mean. I've been propositioned by more black guys and Arabs than anyone else. Comment son dit "baby got back"?

- Madame Ung was actually an okay French teacher. I've been managing just fine here, even when I'm with someone who doesn't speak English. Though I spent two evenings with my beautiful Czech boy who didn't speak English and I managed that too.

- I have a gift for accents, according to locals. The French are surprised when I break down 2 sentences into convo and warn them "je parle un peu de Français", then tell me my accent is good. In Prague, I practiced pronouncing every word I saw on every sign and was told by several locals that I'd be a natural with the language, if only I knew what the fuck I was saying. Ale nemluvím Česky.

- I love the freedom Europe provides. America has rules for everything and basically treats us like children, in ways I didn't even realize until I got here. We are a country driven by lawsuits and money, and it's out of control. In Europe, they don't warn you of every possible outcome of every possible decision you could make, just to cover their asses in case of a lawsuit. Either don't do something stupid or, if you do, suffer the consequences of your actions. Suing McDonalds for the coffee being too hot would NEVER happen here. Freedom and accountability for one's actions. It's a beautiful thing.

- There is such a thing as too forward. I can't believe it. Obviously, I am not shy about sex and dating. I see no reason to hide basic human need and instinct, and I see no reason for there to be negative connotations associated with a woman (or man) enjoying and seeking physical satisfaction. But damn, France! I've never had an American guy flat-out ask me for sex within a minute of meeting. Sure, you know that's what he's getting at, that's why he buys my drink or flirts or finds a reason to touch me, compliment me, whatever. But to flat-out ask me "Sexe avec moi, s'il vous plaît?" after following me to the Metro? Wow. Or telling me 2 minutes after sex that you're married, but it's no problem to you? Wow. Or asking me to come get nailed on your boss' desk on your lunch break? Wow. Or saying "I want to bite your lips, all of them" right after "bonjour"? Wow. I have met my match. France, you have bested me. I'm usually dying to kiss a guy 30 min into a good first date, but Paris has put my eagerness to shame. Didn't think it was possible.

- Wine is always the appropriate beverage for any time of day for people of any age and drinking straight from the bottle is perfectly fine. Well, in France. In Prague, replace wine with beer. Legal drinking age is 16 and they give non-alcoholic beer to kids. No, really. The Czech drink more beer per person per year than any other country in the world (500L/person!). Beer is literally cheaper than water in Prague. Pivo, prosíme!

- Australians and New Zealanders are always sexy. No exceptions.

- Men can wear small shoulder bags (satchel, man purse, whatever you want to call it) and it is in no way feminine, "gay", or emasculating. It is practical. Tons of hot, masculine, normal men are walking around with shoulder bags, some with brands like Nike on them and some high-end designers like Louis Vuitton. The more I see it, the more I'm finding it sexy and cool. It would be so nice for American men to get over themselves and adopt this so that I won't be stuck with their wallet and sunglasses in my purse.

- The Euro sucks. Everything in France is wicked expensive. Except for crépes on the street and croissants in the morning. Also, fun fact: croissants here taste like happiness and dreams.

- Not all hostels are created equal. God bless the Czech Inn.

- I would trade all the sex I've had on this trip (which isn't THAT much but still) for one more hour talking with my Czech boy, wherever he is. Who knew I'd turn out to be a romantic???