Lotus Blossoming

Gratitude List 11/14/11

2011-11-14T11:04:00.001-07:00

I am SO over-due for this...

* I am grateful for my continued health. Met with oncology this week and Dr. Paul said everything looks good. They took my blood to do the regular bloodwork looking for cancer markers and I haven't received any phone calls, which means they didn't find anything. No news is good news.

* I am grateful for my two regular massage clients that come to me every other week like clockwork. I haven't been seeing a whole lot of clients lately but these two are keeping me alive at this point. No idea what I would do without them.

* I am grateful that my sister is still sober, like 130+ days or something. It has been so fucking amazing to actually have a little sister in my life, really for the first time since we've been "adults". She was MIA for so many years, I just never knew what it was like. And it's really awesome.

* I am grateful that I have the sweetest, cutest, funniest, most chill nephew in the entire fucking world. I am NOT someone who likes babies or even kids very much. At all. I never want to hold people's babies and never really play with kids, not even my cousin's kids. But I could not love Aiden any more if I tried and I play with him constantly, can't stop kissing those cheeks. Oh. My. God. LOVE HIM.

* I am grateful for the friends that continue to stand by me through thick and thin, through arguments and misunderstandings and life and change. You go through shit, you deal with it like adults, and you move forward. Thank you for that.

* I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to go across the pond and experience Europe for the first time. Prague is an amazing city that I intend to visit over and over, and possibly move there eventually. Met some kick ass people (looking at you, Jan, Michel, Thibault, Majda, Edita, and Vladimir) and fell in love with the Czech Inn. And although Paris wasn't my favorite place on earth and London left something to be desired (though I did have the best lay of my life in Jolly Old England...), I will ALWAYS be grateful that I met Allie and Bez in that disgusting bedbug-infested hole of a room on our first night in Paris, and even more grateful they were moved into the 2nd non-bedbug room with us. I don't think I've ever felt closer with a couple of friends who could not possibly live farther away from me, but I am SO grateful for the day we spent in London (still need to get that "London is okay, I guess" jumper...). You girls are so kick ass that you actually have me toying with the slightest idea of moving to Australia.

* I'm grateful that I've already been to two Avs games this season and have tickets to two more this month, going to possibly another early next month. Would be even more grateful if they'd fucking WIN one of 'em.

* I'm grateful for my job, my students, my staff, and my coworkers. And though I'm super duper sad that my boss has been promoted to a corporate position, because she's the best boss I've ever had, I'm also super excited that one of my co-managers has been promoted to director and will be my new boss. I'm pretty excited to see what's gonna happen at the school and what direction he takes us in.

* I'm grateful that the student I've been pouring SO MUCH of my time and energy into, hounding and harassing and calling to wake him up and texting to make sure he makes up class or passed a final, has been completely kicking ass and taking names and is definitely going to graduate on-time with his class in December. And I'm even more grateful that he absolutely blew me away today when I finally had a chance to get on his table and evaluate his bodywork. I could not possibly be more proud of him and I was in tears when I got off the table today. The boy has some mad skillz and I am just so grateful that he didn't fall through the cracks and drop out.

* I'm grateful to own my beautiful townhouse with my comfy couch and my heavenly bed and all my creature comforts. I know there's so much I take for granted (like my beautiful granite kitchen that I barely use...) but I am so lucky to have what I have.

* I am grateful that my family is in the middle of planning my grandma's 90th birthday bash. Not a lot of people get to have a 90-year-old grandma, and mine is totally kick ass. Did I mention she got hit on 2 weeks ago by some dude in her retirement home? Hells yeah. My grandma is the bomb diggity and her party is gonna reflect that (we hired a DJ for her 80th so I'm sure 90 is gonna be a kick in the pants too.)

* I'm grateful that not only do I have the best tattoo artist in Denver but he's become a good friend of mine along with his hysterically funny, super hot ass wife. And he still lets me pay partially in massage trade for top-quality work even though he's got a 3-4 month waiting list and definitely doesn't need to be doing any favors. And getting invited to their wedding in Vegas was one of the coolest things ever. Not sure I'd ever had so much fun in 36 hours. I love going into the shop and I think that might be half the reason I can't seem to stop getting inked, cause I just love being in there for four hours at a time...

* I'm grateful for my family, of course, though I so rarely see them anymore. My weekend schedule still makes it hard to get to many family functions, but I'm so grateful the holidays are coming up, which includes 2 weekends of the clinic being closed for xmas and New Year's. Need to fill up on cousin time!

* I'm grateful that my cat didn't run away when I discovered my carport door was apparently open all night last night. Also pretty fucking grateful that my laptop/PS3/ANYTHING ELSE wasn't stolen. But mostly just glad Loki is still here cause I would have been DEVASTATED without my little boy.

* As always, I'm grateful to anyone who took the time to read this and see what sorts of good things are going on in my life. Hopefully it inspires you to write your own list so you can look at the sunny side with me. :)

Gratitude List 9/16/11

2011-09-16T19:37:00.001-06:00

- I am grateful for Prague. The people, the food, the beautiful city, the rich history, the hockey, the beer, all of it. I am grateful that Prague exists and that I can someday, hopefully, move there. Nemluvim Cesky ale ja se brzy.

That's all I got right now cause all I can think about since I got back from Europe is how much I miss Prague...

Things I Learned in Europe

2011-09-13T23:47:00.001-06:00

I also posted this to Facebook while I was in Paris last week. So again, please pretend this is fresh and shiny and new and that I'm still in Paris, writing this from a bistro.

- As mentioned earlier this week, carbs and meat do not make you fat. Eating the typical American processed food diet and being lazy make you fat. Get up, walk around, eat better foods, and you can eat as much bread/cheese/wine/gravy as you want.

- French men are the horniest bastards ever and they pretty much just expect you to fuck them simply because they were polite enough to ask. Non means non aux États-Unis, but not in France. No means "what? Why not? I dont get it."

- Need a pick-me-up? Go out and meet a couple of Australian girls, especially slutty ones. They are about the funniest chicks I've ever met. Australian whores make everything more entertaining, even when dumbass hostel roommates are waking everyone up at 2am.

- Black men love hips and booty no matter where in the world you are. I think it must be genetic. But I get the distinct impression that the ones in France don't see my particular body type often (I definitely don't see many French girls built like me, skinny bitches that they are). I'm having to beat them off with a stick. Wait no, I'm not beating them off... I mean... You know what I mean. I've been propositioned by more black guys and Arabs than anyone else. Comment son dit "baby got back"?

- Madame Ung was actually an okay French teacher. I've been managing just fine here, even when I'm with someone who doesn't speak English. Though I spent two evenings with my beautiful Czech boy who didn't speak English and I managed that too.

- I have a gift for accents, according to locals. The French are surprised when I break down 2 sentences into convo and warn them "je parle un peu de Français", then tell me my accent is good. In Prague, I practiced pronouncing every word I saw on every sign and was told by several locals that I'd be a natural with the language, if only I knew what the fuck I was saying. Ale nemluvím Česky.

- I love the freedom Europe provides. America has rules for everything and basically treats us like children, in ways I didn't even realize until I got here. We are a country driven by lawsuits and money, and it's out of control. In Europe, they don't warn you of every possible outcome of every possible decision you could make, just to cover their asses in case of a lawsuit. Either don't do something stupid or, if you do, suffer the consequences of your actions. Suing McDonalds for the coffee being too hot would NEVER happen here. Freedom and accountability for one's actions. It's a beautiful thing.

- There is such a thing as too forward. I can't believe it. Obviously, I am not shy about sex and dating. I see no reason to hide basic human need and instinct, and I see no reason for there to be negative connotations associated with a woman (or man) enjoying and seeking physical satisfaction. But damn, France! I've never had an American guy flat-out ask me for sex within a minute of meeting. Sure, you know that's what he's getting at, that's why he buys my drink or flirts or finds a reason to touch me, compliment me, whatever. But to flat-out ask me "Sexe avec moi, s'il vous plaît?" after following me to the Metro? Wow. Or telling me 2 minutes after sex that you're married, but it's no problem to you? Wow. Or asking me to come get nailed on your boss' desk on your lunch break? Wow. Or saying "I want to bite your lips, all of them" right after "bonjour"? Wow. I have met my match. France, you have bested me. I'm usually dying to kiss a guy 30 min into a good first date, but Paris has put my eagerness to shame. Didn't think it was possible.

- Wine is always the appropriate beverage for any time of day for people of any age and drinking straight from the bottle is perfectly fine. Well, in France. In Prague, replace wine with beer. Legal drinking age is 16 and they give non-alcoholic beer to kids. No, really. The Czech drink more beer per person per year than any other country in the world (500L/person!). Beer is literally cheaper than water in Prague. Pivo, prosíme!

- Australians and New Zealanders are always sexy. No exceptions.

- Men can wear small shoulder bags (satchel, man purse, whatever you want to call it) and it is in no way feminine, "gay", or emasculating. It is practical. Tons of hot, masculine, normal men are walking around with shoulder bags, some with brands like Nike on them and some high-end designers like Louis Vuitton. The more I see it, the more I'm finding it sexy and cool. It would be so nice for American men to get over themselves and adopt this so that I won't be stuck with their wallet and sunglasses in my purse.

- The Euro sucks. Everything in France is wicked expensive. Except for crépes on the street and croissants in the morning. Also, fun fact: croissants here taste like happiness and dreams.

- Not all hostels are created equal. God bless the Czech Inn.

- I would trade all the sex I've had on this trip (which isn't THAT much but still) for one more hour talking with my Czech boy, wherever he is. Who knew I'd turn out to be a romantic???

Mission Accomplished, Not As Expected

2011-09-13T23:41:00.002-06:00

I published this to Facebook 2 weeks ago, forgetting to link it here. Just pretend I'm still in Prague, okay?

As I sit here on my last night in Prague, alone in front of the hostel as my friend flirts with a Frenchman inside, I'm further saddened by the sudden and unexpected loss of my Czech boy.

Two perfect days, driven by fate and happenstance, came to such a strange and abrupt end without any true closure, and all I can do is sit and remember, going over all of it in my mind. Did he come by on Sunday but I missed him somehow? Did he simply disappear into the ether? What if Tre hadn't gotten on that tram with his backpack, putting him into the foul mood that changed the evening? Would any sort of goodbye be sufficient anyway? Not likely. Saying goodbye was going to be painful, regardless, but the lack of a goodbye kiss stings more than lemon on a paper cut. Each time I return to my room and see 48 blooming pink roses, it hurts all over again.

Two perfect days of communication with few words but perfect understanding, a perfect 2-day relationship with an unhappy ending, a romantic European adventure ending in forever-unrequited love and an eternal "what if?".

Well, I've been saying for months that I plan to fall in love with a wonderful man in Europe. I guess I should have been a bit more specific when declaring this to the Universe...

shrug

2011-05-27T22:14:00.002-06:00

Take it all in stride. Roll with the punches. Shake it off. Move on. Get over it.

Things don't always work out the way we plan. Actually, they very rarely work out the way we plan, huh? Sure, there's something to be said for manifesting your reality, doing the right things and putting the pieces in play to bring about the change you wish to see in your life, but the Universe often has different plans.

And you can never really be ready for the curve ball you never expected. That just comes at ya from out of nowhere.

*sigh*

This is exactly why I knew not to put all my eggs in one basket, when I really didn't know all that much about the basket to begin with.

So cryptic. I know. I don't feel like divulging details or whining specifically to the one or two people who read this. I'm just... I'm frustrated. Frustrated and disappointed. Though I've said for 6 months that I was not getting my hopes up, apparently I was wrong and was totally hopeful, almost expectant.

Not to say things are dead in the water. Just... no idea what's gonna happen next or what my next move is or if I should even make a move or just wait and see...

Ugh. Whatever. Shrug it off. Roll with it. It's not the end of the world. It's not the first disappointment of its kind, nor will it be the last (I assume).

Guess I'll just focus on the Europe thing...

Gettin' mah learn on, yo

2011-04-26T05:56:00.003-06:00

Been a long damn time since I've taken any continuing education classes so I am way overdue. Just packed up my table and linens, brewed some coffee for fuel, and am headed up to Vail to take a 2-day class on advanced myofascial techniques for the head, neck, & jaw. Looking forward to receiving some awesome work and gettin' my learn on. I'm sure my clients will appreciate some new tricks being folded into my repetoire as well. Bonus: I get to crash on the couch of one of my graduates. Fun times!

Gratitude List 4/4/11

2011-04-04T00:59:00.003-06:00

- I am grateful to have one of the most important friendships in my life suddenly restored and revived, seemingly as strong as it was before our mysterious falling-out. I'm still unclear what happened to wedge so much space between us but I seem to have my bff back and better than ever.

- I am grateful that my mommles is happy and in a new, healthy relationship after the "just barely enough to qualify as a relationship" situation she had for 4 years before that.

- I am grateful that my cousin is thriving post-lung transplant and is gaining weight beautifully. She was only 68 lbs and at death's door on transplant day so seeing her at a whopping 98 lbs is such a blessing.

- I am grateful that I continue to be happy and healthy. Next oncology appt isn't until May but everything is going well so far and, in July, I'll be a 2-year survivor.

- Though work has been a trial lately and I've had a rough couple of weeks with some of my students, I am extremely grateful for the ones I never have to worry about. I have so much respect and such deep appreciation for the perfect attendance, 4.0 students who never ditch my class. <3

- I am grateful that one of my favorite people is moving back to Denver from Austin after a 4-month long failed experiment. I miss that girl!

- I am grateful that I seem to have killed whatever the hell was biting me in my house. Never saw a single bug but oh well, I think it's gone now.

- I am grateful that I am going to Europe this summer! Prague, Vienna, and possibly Budapest! WOOOOOOT!

- I am grateful that my sister is out of rehab and, though it's only been three weeks, appears to be doing really well so far. *fingers crossed* that she keeps it up.

- I am grateful for my freakin' adorable nephew. *kisses*

- I am grateful for www.ugliesttattoos.com for keeping me entertained every single day.

- I am grateful that it's nearly Denver Cruisers season!! And, for that matter, Art Walk season, camping season, hiking season, and all that other fabulous non-winter stuff.

- I am grateful that I happen to have one of the best tattoo artists in Denver.

- I am grateful that my hair is finally getting closer to the target length and that the red dye I've been using weekly since August doesn't seem to damage it.

- I am grateful for Punk.com, PinupGirlClothing.com, and DSW Shoe Warehouse.

- I am grateful for my massage clients and for my caretaker gig with my sister. Payin' my way to Europe, yo.

- I am grateful for the interwebs, even though I have been a little tweaked lately at the amount of information that's available out there...

- I am grateful for the sleeping kittehs in my house. Sleeping kittehs do not knock things off of tables.

DEEP BREATH Okay, time to deal with some shit...

2011-01-17T19:07:00.005-07:00

I FUCKING HATE CANCER.

I know. Everyone fucking hates cancer. Shut up.

I think I do a pretty god damned good job of not playing Woe Is Me as far as getting cancer is concerned. Overall, I'm pretty content with my decision to have a bilateral mastectomy, especially considering I had undiagnosed bilateral Paget's Disease that only came to light after my tissue had been sent to Pathology. The surgery saved my life. And I'm super stoked about having my life saved, please don't get me wrong here.

I am just so angry that I even needed it saved in the first place. I'm 30, not 60. This should not have happened.

Plugging away on the elliptical machine tonight, I can't help but look at all the women working out around me. Some thin and taut, the type I envy and kind of want to stab; some heavy and soft, the type that make me think "Whew, at least I don't need to lose as much weight as she does..."; but almost all of them with soft and squishy breasticles.

One girl in particular nearly put me over the edge into a sobbing mess of tears, as I did crunches on a fitness ball. She was a heavier-set girl, about 24 years old, probably weighs as much as me but 4 inches shorter, very pretty face and great hair, doing hamstring stretches on a yoga mat across from me. She was packing 38DD's (at least) that were all smushed into a tight sports bra, which put her cleavage somewhere near her chin as she sat with legs outstretched and reaching for her toes. Her bosom looked so soft and jiggly, I wanted to nuzzle it and motorboat her just to feel the waves. By contrast, I didn't even wear a bra, sports or otherwise, to the gym tonight due to my healing tattoo, and it made absolutely no difference. I ran for 10 minutes at 6 mph on the treadmill and only noticed I wasn't wearing a bra because the sweat that's usually caught by a sports bra was dripping down my abs. They do not look soft or squishy or nuzzle-worthy. To me, they look hard and plastic, like upside-down tupperware bowls with overly-circular nipples. They are pretty much immobile and only exist to fill out my shirts and make me feel "normal". But I'm not normal. All y'all who don't have to (or get to) see me with my shirt off probably tend to forget that.

Which brings me to my 2nd point of why this sucks. Dating. I hate the trepidation that comes with someone new seeing them for the first time. I absolutely hate it.

Yes. I know. Men are simple, simple creatures, and I got well-laid when I was an A-cup without nipples. (Or hair & eyebrows, for that matter.) Like my mom told me last year, most men probably wouldn't care if I just put a couple of round rocks in my bra, as long as there's something to grab. Also, ass men LOVE me, so thank god for ass men. BUT it's all besides the point because this is about how I feel. And I feel like a science experiment every time I'm with someone new. I fear he's secretly turned-off by my scars. I'm self-conscious in ways I've never experienced, which pulls me out of a moment I REALLY enjoy being IN.

I'm dating someone new, and I really like him, but he hasn't seen me naked yet. The more I get to know him and the more I like him, the more I'm freaking out over showing him my Designer Impostors. Dude, dating sucked even when I had the World's Most Magnificent and Perky 38DD's. I hate having yet another level of SUCK added to dating, you know? "Oh, by the way, I had cancer so that's why my tits are all effed up" really isn't my favorite conversation to have. *sigh* Thank god he's an ass man... I guess I'll just focus on that...

Whatever. It is what it is, right? It happened. Cancer, mastectomy, reconstruction, all of it. It happened. I'm not getting my soft 'n' squishies back. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it but suck it up, be grateful that I'm alive and that my plastic surgeon did as good a job as he did, and continue to trust that men will always be happy to enjoy whatever kind of tits you put in front of them.

I just realized that this was not a terribly coherent note; really more of a stream-of-consciousness as I work through this anger and sadness. Minor setback, we'll call it. Fuck cancer. Ugh.

For you ink lovers out there...

2010-12-01T18:05:00.002-07:00

Wanna see what my tattoo is up to these days? After 12 hours of work, the lining and shading is done and he started a bit of color today cause we had some time left at the end of the session. I go in again on 1/11/11, which is cool cause this is my "I kicked cancer's ass" tattoo and 1/11 is the anniversary of my last chemo treatment. :)

Never Like That

2010-10-13T12:54:00.004-06:00

I have touched and felt
I have yearned and wanted and needed
I have experienced the many pleasures
of the flesh

but never like that

Hours going by
As pleasure rises and falls
the ebb and flow
torrid then calm
you withhold your ecstasy
Waves crashing anew
Always yet another wave to wash over me
Wash over you
And still you wait

That look
A look I've never seen
A look I've never known
A look I'll never forget
I've been looked at and looked through and looked
up and down

but never like that

The perfect white street light
filtering through closed blinds
highlighting
every beautiful curve and shadow
the intensity of desire in your
chiseled face
Drum and bass pumping
pumping
pumping in the background
An invisible DJ seemingly syncing
with our breath
with our pulse
with our rocking
and our rolling
Ambiance I have experienced before

but never like that

I am consumed and reborn
in the flames of passion
in the embrace of a stranger
and in the confidence of self
a dizzying concoction
intoxicating
Sweetly poisonous like
absinthe on the tongue
Many pleasures have I known
Many lovers have I experienced
For hours, days, months or years

Never.
Like.
That.

New Ink!

2010-10-06T21:01:00.005-06:00

I am totally woozy after another 4-hour tattoo sitting but thought I'd share the pictures. Funny how clenching in pain for 4 hours makes you feel like you've just run a marathon or something... I am totally BEAT! Anyway, my fire and water have combined and after 8 hours under the needle, my outline is complete. Color and shading start on Dec 1. Can't wait!

My artist free-handed the art onto my back with sharpies...

OUCH.

Gratitude List, 8/12/10

2010-08-12T23:32:00.000-06:00

Attitude of Gratitude in 3... 2... 1...

- I'm grateful for my kick-ass friends who talked me out of being sad about my breakup with Cory in all of 15 minutes flat. After telling them the story of our fight and the mean things he said, they pointed out that none of this breakup really had to do with me at all, that Cory showed his true colors for the first time, and his true colors span the entire spectrum of the Douche Rainbow. I'd go so far as to say it's a full Double Douche Rainbow (double rainbow!!!). Tre, Greylin, mom, and Emily, thanks for letting me get it out and then for showing me the douchey light. That guy sucked, no matter how hot he was. NEXT!!!

- I'm grateful for the peace I've been feeling within myself these days. I posted it in a status update last week but it bears repeating: never in my 30 years on this planet have I been so comfortable in my own skin and been so 100% happy with all that I am and all that I have and everything that makes me Me. I love me, all 185 pounds of me, mastectomy scars and all. And I love that I love me. It's nice. ^.^

- I am grateful that I have a 2-month old nephew who is healthy and thriving, and that my sister is also still healthy and thriving. That baby saved her life. Not to mention made her infinitely more tolerable to be around (funny how NOT being on meth will do that to a person...). It's so nice to have an actual relationship with my 24-year-old sister for the first time in our lives.

- I'm grateful that my cousin Melitta is still holding onto every available breath and fighting to stay alive long enough to have a second lung transplant. Come on, Universe, help us out a little bit here. All we're asking is for ONE measley perfect little lung, type AB+. Is that so much to ask? Didn't think so. GET ON IT!

- I'm grateful that my grandma has apparently had an epiphany about where she's at in life and has decided to just accept the fact that she's 87 years old and stop punishing everyone around her for that fact. By all accounts, she's been doing really well over the last week or so, instead of driving herself and everyone else mad. I really hope it sticks and she can go back to enjoying her remaining years instead of hopelessly dreading the end.

- I'm grateful that my massage practice is thriving! Cancer really put it on hold over the last year, which sucked cause I bought this house with the intention that massage would help me pay my HOA and other bills. I'd been living paycheck to paycheck and barely scraping by, so giving 3-4 massages a week is helping me SO much and I'm back where I need to be and am not behind on my bills. Plus, I feel like a much more effective teacher since I'm actively practicing.

- I'm forever grateful for my job, my co-workers, my boss, my employees, and my students. How many people can genuinely say that they LOVE going to work every day? DSMT has been a god-send. I can't believe I've almost been there 2 years already. How did that happen? Time flies when you love what you do (and when you live clinic to clinic...)

- I'm grateful for this fantastic Summer of Stars. Best fuckin' concert year I've had since 1997. Green Day, STP, Tool, Gaga, Shinedown, Toad, etc. Gonna buy Gorillaz tickets tomorrow too. God damn, I love live music.

- I'm grateful whatever that smell in my kitchen was has apparently died and gone away. WTF?

- I'm grateful that my oncology appointment from last week yielded no red flags. WORD.

- I'm grateful that it's getting ever closer to hockey season, with training camp and the burgundy/white game around the corner. Gonna be a good year, Avs fans!

- I'm grateful that the beginning of my tattoo is fucking gorgeous and that my artist is, like, silly talented. I cannot wait to see the finished result. Hopefully he'll start a bit of color next time...

- I'm grateful for YOU, friends new and old. I've reconnected with some hella old high school friends lately (Oh Facebook, you so cray-see) and made some new ones thanks to yet another graduation at work. It's nice to just magically inherit new friends every 10 weeks. Takes the stress out of having to meet new people and I don't even have to join a book club. :)

<3 <3 <3

New tattoo

2010-08-04T15:26:00.002-06:00

I had my first 4-hour sitting with my tattoo artist, Ben Gun, yesterday for my "I kicked cancer's ass" tattoo and here's the result. It's not even kind of finished, and there will be more outlining done at my next sitting (Oct 6) when he'll be lining a firey phoenix on the left side of my back with cherry blossoms going up onto my left shoulder. Yeah. It's my whole back. But it's beautifully done and I LOVE it. There's a reason he's one of the top artists in Colorado and has a 3-month waiting list!

In case you're wondering, the symbolism is: waves = emotion, koi fish = courage, lotus flower = strength and beauty, fire = passion, phoenix = rebirth, cherry blossoms = feminine power and sexuality (in Chinese culture) or the delicate transience of life (in Japanese culture). So, yunno, this is a pretty powerful piece for me. Can't wait til it's done, though it'll probably take a year or so... Anyway, just thought I'd share.

He free-handed the drawing on my back with Sharpies first...

And here's the finished outline. I'll be getting the phoenix outlined Oct 6 and then color and shading starts Dec 1. I can't wait!

My Most-Prized Possession

2010-07-29T02:22:00.009-06:00

If my house were burning down, the first thing I would grab, without question, is my Set List Collection. (Don't worry, I'd grab my cat next...)

What's a set list? It's the list of songs a band plays at each show. Some bands use the same set list every night of a tour, some bands change it in every city. But every band has a set list and each individual band member has a copy of it, so that they know what song is coming up next, so there are usually several available at the end of the show depending on how many band members there are. If I'm in the front row at a small venue, I can often just reach up and grab it myself (though this once backfired at a Toad the Wet Sprocket show, when the roadie tracked me down in the lobby and took it back from me because I didn't ask for it). Most of the time, I head to the front after the show and ask a roadie politely, without acting like a crazed fangirl. Often I tell them that I collect them. Once, I cried (@ Paul McCartney. It worked.) Mostly, I think it's Law Of Attraction, because I spend the last hour of a show strategizing how the fuck I'm going to make it happen.

I've been collecting set lists since 1994, it's totally my "thing". Just ask anyone in my family. :) I save all my concert tickets too, and I keep all of these things (set lists and tickets) in a binder which is my pride and joy and most prized possession.

Tonight, after getting the Lady Gaga set list, I was browsing through my binder and thought I'd share the contents with anyone who's interested (which I would guess would mostly just be my mother and maybe a cousin or two...). Yeah, I've seen a bunch of bands a bunch of times. What can I say? Some bands put on a good enough show that I will pay to see them every god damned time they're in town...

My Concert Career (by year):

U2, 10/21/92

Paul McCartney, 5/26/93
Squeeze, 11/12/93 (autographs)
Shawn Colvin, 12/19/93

INXS, 4/16/94
Sheryl Crow, 6/22/94 (Set List)
Billy Joel, 10/11/94

Del Amitri, 5/6/95 (Set List, autographs, pics with band)
Live, 8/23/95
Sheryl Crow, 9/3/95
Del Amitri, 9/13/95 (Set List & autographs)

Gin Blossoms, 2/21/96 (Set List)
Del Amitri, 4/15/96 (Set List, autographs)
Del Amitri, 4/16/96 (Set List, autographs, bar fight)
Bush/Goo Goo Dolls/No Doubt, 5/4/96 (autographs)
Alanis Morissette, 6/5/96
Dada, 6/10/96 (Set List, pick)
The Refreshments, 6/12/96 (autographs)
The Cure, 7/27/96
Smashing Pumpkins, 8/30/96
The Refreshments/Semisonic, 9/19/96 (autographs)

Live, 3/5/97 (Set List)
Barenaked Ladies, 4/6/97
That Dog, 4/14/97 (Set List)
Counting Crows, 4/14/97 (Set List)
Live, 8/29/97 (Set List, drumstick)
Del Amitri, 8/30/97 (Set List, autographs, pick)
Tori Amos, 9/1/98
Counting Crows, 9/18/97 (Set List, autograph, backstage pass!)
Toad the Wet Sprocket, 10/22/97 (Set List)

Barenaked Ladies, 10/19/98

Barenaked Ladies, 8/25/99 (Set List)
Squeeze, 10/7/99 (Set List, pick, mom sang on-stage with them)
Tori Amos, 10/11/99
Live, 10/13/99
Barenaked Ladies, 12/30/99

Nine Inch Nails/A Perfect Circle, 6/18/00
Barenaked Ladies/Guster, 10/17/00
Stone Temple Pilots/Godsmack, 11/2/00

Guster, 4/6/01 (Set List, pick)
Billy Joel & Elton John, 4/9/01
Ringo Starr, 8/25/01
Britney Spears, 11/12/01

Glenn Tilbrook, 4/24/02
Paul McCartney, 5/7/02 (Set List)
Glen Phillips, 6/16/02 (autograph)
John Mayer/Guster, 8/6/02
No Doubt/Garbage, 11/6/02

Toad the Wet Sprocket, 2/11/03
Guster, 4/11/03
Guster, 11/21/03 (Set List)

Sarah McLachlan, 7/20/04

Maroon 5, 4/26/05 (Set List)
U2, 4/20/05
Jason Mraz, 10/24/05

Guster, 4/1/06 (Set List)
Guster, 4/2/06 (autographs, pictures with band)
Michael Shapiro, 5/19/06 (Set List, autographs)
Live, 5/19/06 (Set List, autographs, meet & greet, pictures)
Bleu, 8/14/06 (meet and greet, autographs, pictures)
Tool, 8/30/06
Guster, 9/23/06 (Set List)

Tool, 5/9/07
Crowded House/Fountains of Wayne, 8/22/07
Live/Collective Soul/Tonic, 10/7/07 (Set List, pictures, autographs)
Tool, 11/21/07
Fall Out Boy, 11/23/07

Ben Kweller, 9/30/08

Ed Kowalczyk/Matt Nathanson/Collective Soul/Carolina Liar, 4/9/09 (autographs, pictures, meet & greet)
Flight of the Conchords, 5/16/09
Jason Mraz, 9/19/09

Shinedown/Sick Puppies, 5/13/10
Justin Currie, 6/12/10 (Set List, pics, meet & greet)
Tool, 6/29/10 (Set List)
Squeeze, 7/25/10 (Set List)
Lady Gaga, 7/28/10 (Set List)
Stone Temple Pilots, 8/10/10 (TBD)
Toad the Wet Sprocket, 8/21/10 (TBD)
Green Day, 8/28/10 (TBD)

Sacred Union of the Divine

2010-07-19T12:25:00.007-06:00

This is an old post from Jun 2006, from my old MySpace blog, that I came across just now. Thought I'd repost cause I liked it...

Deep carnal hunger, like a Fire rising from within.
A light caress. An eager squeeze. A longing touch. A passionate kiss.
The eventual melding of two into one.

She wants him
needs him
must have him
Circling the God, as if stalking her prey
or perhaps just showing her wares
the Goddess makes her intent known
I will have you. You will have me.
The Yin and the Yang will be as one this night, a union
unending, unbreakable, essential.

He is consumed by her, his desire no longer controlled.
Taste
must taste all that is the Goddess.
Neck, breast, belly, all leading to the sacred chalice.
Waves upon waves
she feels her passion like Water until the dam breaks
Jubilation, ecstasy, euphoria, joy.
Yet the union is still to come...

Urgency in his touch. Soon. Very soon.
And then
Yin and Yang are reunited as the Goddess opens the door for him.
Fusion of masculine and feminine in a frenzy of craving
until, at long last, their respective thirsts have been quenched by the other.

They part but do not truly separate.
Forever are they bound to each other as night is bound to day.
Exhausted and satisfied, drifting off
together alone
into the world between wake and sleep...

Hold It In, Let It Out

2010-07-18T23:49:00.005-06:00

I simultaneously love and hate
The Beginning.

I get swept up and I know my tendencies
I am a true Pisces, to a tee, whether or not
you believe in that sort of thing,
and the raging river of my emotions
pulls me in, sucks me under, and takes me on
the ride of my life.

Every time.
Seriously.

Being who I am
Knowing how I am
Yet knowing how others are
I find myself constantly having to hold it in
when I want nothing more than to
Let
It
All
Out.
Balls to the wall
Full steam ahead
Caution to the wind
Ready to be blind-sided at any minute but consciously deciding
not to give a damn until it happens.

Not to toot my own horn
but I have such a big heart
and so much love to give
that it spooks people when first confronted
with ME.
The Real Me.
The Me Me.
It can come off as needy.
But it's not needy. It's givey. There's a difference.

The dichotomy of walking this fine line
between holding some Me back,
letting it out a little at a time rather than unleashing a
tidal wave of Amber,
and knowing the true Me in my mind
can get oh so confusing
And I often find that I can't remember
what cards I've laid out and which ones are still hidden.

I know
I KNOW.

JUST BE YOURSELF.

IF THEY DON'T LIKE IT, SCREW 'EM.

Easier said than done.
And you know it.

It's okay, though.
One of these days, I'll figure it out.
The perfect balance of Me and Me.
Or Me and Them.
Or Us, united, as one?

I suppose that's the whole point, isn't it?

Much-Deserved Vaycay

2010-07-06T00:27:00.004-06:00

So much to do tomorrow but I'm too excited to sleep.

I'm heading out for a big camping trip on Wednesday, going to a festival with a bunch of friends. It's a Pagan festival, run by friends of mine, and it is held in honor of Dionysius, God of Wine and Revelry. I am STOKED. There will be wine and merrymaking. There will be games of skill. There will be rituals and workshops. There will be improv and small stage shows. There will be good friends and good food and quality time spent with our Blessed Mother, this gorgeous planet of ours.

Seeing as how I spent all of my vacation time last year recovering from a bilateral mastectomy, I am superty duperty excited to get away from work and day-to-day life for 5 days and to get out into the mountains to unwind.

I have lots of running around to do on Tuesday to get everything ready. I can't sleep because I'm busy making to-do lists in my head. And even when I stop planning for 2 seconds, my mind switches over to thinking about the deliciously sexy, wicked smart, crazy hot Irish guy I recently started dating. So really, I might as well not even try to sleep cause it just ain't happening. My brain is far too busy to be concerned with silly things like "rest" at the moment. My body will just have to wait until I've got my tent pitched and my camp set up before I can collapse into my camp hammock for a much-needed snoooooooze.

Goddess bless summer vacation; please let the weather be beautiful. Lookin' for fluffy white clouds and sunshine. KThxBai.

Through the Tunnel, Looking Back

2010-06-27T22:24:00.002-06:00

Had a helluva weekend here at the end of my cancer journey.

A year ago right now, I wasn't even diagnosed yet. I had just gotten my irregular mammogram and was awaiting biopsy, only to be diagnosed on 7/8/09 with Grade 3 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

A year later and I am just over-whelmed by the love and support I've received from more people than I ever would've imagined.

I spent today up in Breckenridge with my friend Bo, to watch my friends Heather and Jimmy cross the finish line at the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. These two walked 39.3 miles, a marathon and a half, over two days, and they did it in my honor. Now that I'm almost 6 months out of chemo and my hair officially looks like an intentional hairstyle, I didn't think I'd get very emotional up there but of course I was wrong. As I hugged Jimmy, one of my bestest bestest friends, the weight of the past year hit me all over again and I lost it, sobbing into his shoulder to let it go. As much as it's brought up in conversation in my every day life, I tend to forget that we're actually talking about ME here. It's so surreal, like we're talking about a close friend of mine. Then things like the Avon Walk happen and I remember HOLY SHIT, I FUCKING SURVIVED CANCER. CANCER, for fuck's sake. While I was going through it, waiting to see light at the end of the tunnel, I basically just put my head down and plowed through, doing what I had to do to fight for my life and stay alive. Chemo treatment 1, 2, 3, 4... boom boom boom, knock 'em out like it ain't no thang. And why was I able to survive like this? Because of charities like the Avon Walk that contribute to the research and science that kept me alive. So surreal.

The downside of being on this side of the tunnel is that this is where all the medical bills live. Between normal living expenses and medical bills, I've been having a very hard time surviving paycheck to paycheck, and I have a pile of unpaid bills sitting on my kitchen table, staring me down. Last night, however, my friend Manea threw a charity theme party in my honor to help raise money to pay off my medical bills. With one party, they did it. Raised enough to get me out from under this mountain (I think... need to actually add it all up...) and put me back on my feet. Colorado Pagan Community, I THANK YOU. I can't get over the love and support you've provided me over the past year, I am just so grateful.

You know, my dad (who is born-again) often tells me that I need to come to his church sometime so I can accept Jesus and be a part of his church community. He tells me that they're good people and they'll support me through these tough times. And I always tell him that I appreciate the offer but no thanks. I already have a spiritual community and they offer me more support than he can even fathom. He, of course, doesn't see Pagans as a spiritual community but that's his loss. I can't imagine a more fabulous and generous group of human beings. You people rock my motherfuckin' socks.

So as I look back through the tunnel, remembering how scared I was a year ago right now, I can honestly say that cancer hasn't been THAT bad and it's because of YOU. All of you fabulous creatures that have supported me and helped me though this year, you got me through it and I love you all for it. I cannot thank you enough!

Love and light,
Amber/Lotus

Gratitude List, 5/31/2010

2010-06-01T15:35:00.001-06:00

Also posted to Facebook but forgot to post it here, this month's gratitude list.

Here we go, y'all. Time to get my gratitude on and put out some good juju to the Universe. Giddy up.

- Since it's Memorial Day, I'll start by saying I'm grateful for the selfless sacrifice of our troops. My grandpa and most of my uncles served in the Army or Navy, so I salute them especially. And I'm also quite grateful that we've made the first steps towards repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell. That law makes me feel stabby and I'm stoked that we've made progress there.

- I'm grateful that my cousin Melitta is still fighting for life and refusing to give up while awaiting a SECOND lung transplant. She's still the most positive, uplifting person I've ever met, the most powerful 80 pound woman on the planet. I'd be REALLY fuckin' grateful if a transplantable lung magically appeared today, though. Just sayin'.

- I'm grateful to be CANCER-FREE! I'm grateful for my health, and that my PET scan came back negative last week and that I can keep on keepin' on as a normal, healthy, fake tit-having 30-year-old woman.

- I'm grateful that this is my last week as the Nippleless Chick, since I'm getting my new tweakers installed on Thursday. Sure, I'll have an awkward period of time where I have the bulls-eye part of the nipple (which I get Thursday) but don't have the areola to go with it (they'll be tattooed next month) but oh well. Won't be any weirder than not having nips at all so I'm freakin' stoked that I'll be one step closer to feeling normal again.

- I'm grateful that my sister's pregnancy has been totally healthy and normal and that she hasn't used meth since getting knocked up. My soon-to-be nephew seems to have saved my sister's life. I hope she stays clean once he arrives next month.

- I'm grateful that Nick resigned and I have the opportunity to apply for his position, thus ensuring a raise and getting my weekends back. I took the clinic job 17 months ago with the intention of moving into the classroom when it became available, so here I am. Even if I don't get this particular position, I'm grateful for the interview opportunity so I'll be even more prepared for the next position that comes available.

- I am grateful for my students who become actual bonafide friends after graduation. Like, actual friends that I actually hang out with outside of clinic, not just Facebook friends. Amandas Weeks and Dalton, Lydia B-J, Joshua and his liberating experience, Jenna Wetherby, Bo Brinson, Karla (*snicker*), Tony PowPow, I'm lookin' at you guys. You rock and I'm so glad DSMT brought us together!

- Don't get me wrong, I'm also grateful for EVERY graduate on my friends list. Yunno, since about 40% of my FB friends are former students of mine. :) I love seeing you guys in the clinic and I'm so proud of you all.

- I'm grateful that Andrew and Lily moved back from Seattle! And I'm grateful that we all stayed friends after Aaron and I broke up. Though if Aaron and I are still friends, no reason the rest of us wouldn't be but still! I'm just glad to have you guys around a lot these days. And Lily, the Gaga concert is going to be so fucking fun! I can't wait!

- I am grateful for OkCupid. Yes, I know. But really. I've met some really good friends on there (I love you, Katy! And Jason! And... Cody? No.) and still have hope that I might actually meet a fantastically fucking wonderful guy from that site. Of course, some people would call me overly-optimistic. Just ask anyone who's ever been to Vegas with me. "SOMEONE'S gotta win the jackpot, so it might as well be me!" :) But still... I have hope. He's out there. I just KNOW it...

- I'm grateful for all the usual wonderful things in my life: my family, my friends, my beautiful townhouse, my evil kitteh, my Vibe (that's my car, you pervs), my co-workers, my boss, my comfy bed, and all those other creature comfort type things.

- I'm grateful that Ben Gunn is going to be giving me a huge, beautiful tattoo and is letting me pay for at least part of it with massage. He is fucking awesome, his shop keeps getting voted Best of Denver, and I can't wait to get this piece. My back will never be the same.

- I'm grateful that I've finally learned how to keep plants alive! I have 10 plants in my house now and only one of them seems to be trying to kill itself (does anyone know about rubber plants? I can't quite get the watering schedule down with it. Either that or it's still in shock from being transplanted to a new pot...)

- I'm grateful for YOU! Yes! You! Thanks for existing! And thanks for reading this! I love you long time!

Me and two of my favorite grads-turned-friends.

Commitment to Myself

2010-06-01T15:33:00.001-06:00

I posted this on Facebook a few days ago but thought I'd post it here as well, just to reinforce the sentiment:

As part of a corporate training at work a few months back, our corporate bosses asked all of us instructors to write out our commitments to the company, to the school, to the students and to ourselves, and then had us share our commitment statement with the whole group. The theory behind this being that we're more likely to keep to a commitment when we take the time to write it out and state it aloud to others.

Having just returned from the gym, exhausted and sweaty and 520 calories lighter, I am choosing to state my commitment to myself aloud to all of you who choose to read this.

I am committed to my health and wellness.

I am committed to work out at least three times a week, even if I only walk on a treadmill. Any exercise is better than no exercise. (Sound familiar mom and Chelsea?) :)

After a few weeks of getting back into cardiovascular shape, I am committed to attending Step Class at least twice per month at 24-Hour Fitness on 120th & Sheridan or 44th & Tennyson.

I am committed to eating out no more than once a week. If it so happens that I'm out a second time in any given week, I am committed to getting the HEALTHY option. Like, even something with plants in it.

I am committed to using the Lose It! app on my iPod Touch, which is a brilliant and wonderful app that tracks weight, exercise, calorie intake, and goals. It's a free app. If you have an iPhone or iPod Touch, you should definitely download it!

I am committed to not set unrealistic goals for myself. I will never be a size 6 and I am okay with that. I want to comfortably fit into a size 12. They say the healthiest goal is 10% of one's current weight, so I'm shooting for 18.5 pounds by the end of the summer.

I am committed to keep to the pact I made with one of my students today. She said she gave up ice cream, beer, soda, and Starbucks until she graduates on August 5. I agreed to give up the same things for the same period of time. Though we both agreed that my vacation time July 7-11 doesn't count. :)

I am committed to buying at least two pairs of FLATS to wear instead of heels to work all the time because my knees, ankles, and plantar fascia are really starting to bother me and it's making me feel old.

I am committed to eating better, bringing my lunch to work or coming home for lunch, and forcing more plants into my diet.

I am committed to buying a cheap blender so I can make smoothies, thus easily forcing plants into my diet.

I am committed to not get cancer again. Just sayin'.

I am committed to doing this FOR ME and not for anyone else. Because I love me. I'm freakin' awesome. And this will make me freakin' awesomer.

FUCKIN' A. Go team.

Gratitude List, 4/22/10

2010-04-22T19:55:00.002-06:00

Boy, it's been way too long since I wrote one of these. Here are my current reasons to have an attitude of gratitude.

- I am grateful that my reconstructed breasts are as deceptively real-looking as they are. Sure, those of you that have experienced them first-hand can attest that they're a bit on the firm side, and of course they're still nippleless for the time being, but they look really freakin' real in a bra and no one who sees me in a low-cut shirt would ever guess they're fake. I was very worried that they wouldn't turn out well but I really am quite pleased with the result. Thank the gods (and my crazy, Turkish perfectionist of a plastic surgeon) for fabulously reconstructed boobies!

- I am grateful for Teresa and Jackie for organizing a fundraiser in my honor, to help me cover some medical bills. All I did was post a picture of the 4 bills I got in the mail one day and two days later, I'd received an invitation to my own benefit party. I know the two of you do a LOT to help out the Colorado Pagan community and I am just so, SO grateful to be one of the recipients of your time, effort, love, and help. Seriously. I don't have the words to express how much I appreciate what you're doing for me.

- I am grateful to be back in therapy! I haven't seen my therapist since before I moved to Tucson and a helluva lot has happened in that time span. Hooray for mental health insurance and sliding scales.

- I am grateful that my 7-month pregnant little sister is still clean and sober. HUZZAH for that, motherfuckers! I'm greatly looking forward to meeting my first nephew, Aiden, and I'm stoked that he won't be a meth baby. Also, I'm grateful to Aiden for saving Emily's life and getting her clean. *fingers crossed* that she doesn't go back to the old habits.

- I am grateful that the Avs are in the playoffs and playing pretty good hockey. I'm particularly grateful that we totally stole Game 3. Here's hoping for a win tonight in Game 5.

- I am grateful that my tattoo artist touched-up my lotus tat for free. Also, pretty grateful for how fucking deliciously hot he is. Makes the tattoo hurt less...

- I am grateful to have a really wicked awesome new T.A. on my team at work. If all y'all haven't met Tony yet, you should come on down on a Sunday and say hello. He's a fuckin' great addition to my team. Love you, Mista Powell!

- I am grateful to Jimmy and Heather and all the work they do for breast cancer research. They've been fundraising all year for their Avon Walk and they are total BC rock stars. Love you guys. So much.

- I am grateful to have spent yesterday afternoon with my cousin Melitta. The lung transplant she had 3 years ago is in chronic rejection and she's awaiting ANOTHER transplant, but she is still one of the most positive and funny people ever, even when everything in life seems sad and negative. This is one powerful 90-pound woman on oxygen. She is my personal inspiration for having gotten through cancer the way I did, and every minute spent with her is a gift from the gods.

- I am grateful, as always, for every one of my friends and especially my besties. Colt, Ash, Tre, Jimmy, Ty, Tyler, Weeks, mom, Katydid, and everyone else. I love you. So much. Can't find the words, really.

- I am grateful for Jose O'Shea's blue corn taquitos. And their guacamole. Chomp. Also, I'm grateful for Qdoba's new Craft 2 menu items, because a mini nachos and 2 soft tacos is the perfect Qdoba meal. Double chomp.

- I am grateful for OkCupid.com even though it's made my life kind of complicated over the last 6 months. It's still a really great place to meet people, even if the ones I've met have either turned douche or flaked-out on me so far. And I've met some good friends thru there (lookin' at you, Kate and SB!) so it's still a great site.

- I am grateful to the Universe, which is going to somehow scrounge up 4 massage clients per month for me to cover my HOA bill starting next month. Go on, Universe. Get on that.

- I am grateful that my hair is growing back as well as it is, and that I've reached the point where I don't feel like I HAVE to wear a wig to work anymore. This spring weather has made it too hot to wear the wig so I'm just rocking my GI Jane/tiny faux hawk. I feel naked and exposed but everyone seems to like it so I'm gonna keep rockin' it.

Okie dokey, artichokey. That's where I'm at. I'm grateful to you for reading this! Huggles!

Let's Get It On

2009-09-26T22:09:00.000-06:00

One 12-hour shift sits between me and the beginning of my chemotherapy.

One the one hand, I feel like all of this cancer non-sense has gone so fast that it makes my head spin. Found the lump June 9, mammogram June 27, biopsy July 7, diagnosis July 8, mastectomy Aug 20, port placement Sept 22, chemo Sept 28. Since I live my life from clinic weekend to clinic weekend, my summer was flying by anyway but with all of these big dates coming and going, along with the work and personal life drama that has tainted my life in the last month, it seemed to go faster than usual.

However, when I think about the vast number of conversations I've had about my cancer, from lump discovery to treatment, having the same conversations over and over with coworkers, friends, students, and strangers, I am just so sick of myself and it feels like I've been a cancer patient for fucking FOREVER. Everyone is curious and concerned, and I know WAY more people that I gave myself credit for, so I've explained so many things so many times that I almost wish I had a new story to tell. Sure, I guess it changes a bit as time goes on. I mean, instead of telling people about my mastectomy this week, I've been able to explain why the hell my arm is bandaged and bruised from my port placement. That's neat, I guess. I just, I dunno... I feel like an attention hog? I feel like I've been in the spotlight too long? I feel... I don't know. I'm just tired of talking about myself because I feel like I'm being vain or something, except that people are asking ME rather than me forcing it on THEM (I think... have I been forcing my cancer into conversations?).

So now, after all that's happened in such a short time, I'm just fucking READY. Let's get it on, let's start the chemo and shave my head and get this show on the road already. I've got the wigs at the ready and am actually really looking forward to not having to blow-dry and straight-iron my hair every day. I'm enrolled in a class called Look Good, Feel Better, a free class run by the American Cancer Society that teaches cancer patients a bunch of makeup and wig-care tips, like how to draw on eyebrows and skin care for chemo'd skin. I'm about as ready as I'll ever fuckin' be, I guess, and I just want to START already. The sooner the start, the sooner it'll be over, right?

T-minus 5 months 'til my 30th birthday, my shining light at the end of the tunnel. I just gotta get into the damn tunnel before I can work on getting out of it!

Whoopsie

2009-09-26T21:41:00.002-06:00

Looks like I kinda sorta stopped writing stuff on this here blog because I've been doing all of my writing on Facebook. Apologies to my three blog followers (even though I think all three of you are on my Facebook list...)

Sinking In

2009-08-17T10:43:00.000-06:00

3 days left.

It's really sinking in now. As I was getting in the shower this morning, I glanced at the mirror and lost my cool. 3 days left with my beautiful, scar-free breasts. 3 days until I no longer have nipples. 3 days until I never feel sexy again. Or at least not for a long, long time.

Unfortunately, I gave-in and googled some pictures of breast reconstruction. Big mistake. Now all I can think about is the massive scars I'll have across my "breasts". And now I just can't stop crying.

They're just boobs. They're not lungs or kidneys or other such things that we NEED. They're just boobs. Yet my vanity has crawled back into my brain and I'm trying to wish this all away again because I LOVE what I already have and I don't want to give it up. I hate this. I hate that I have two choices: get rid of cancer for good or get rid of cancer for now. Fuck this. I've regressed back to denial and anger again but, seriously, fuck this. I want to say it's not fair but life is very rarely fair, so it's a moot point.

Oh well. Whatever. I have to finish getting ready for work now. How I'll get through my shift without being a blubbering mess is beyond me but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...

Boobie Shower

2009-08-13T00:54:00.007-06:00

So a bunch of my friends in the Pagan community threw me a Boobie Shower tonight at a local witchy coffee shop, as a goodbye party for my breasts and also to give me gifts to help me through chemo. Some brought candles and crystals, some (my hairstylist) brought false lashes and eyebrow makeup (to continue helping me with my hair needs!), and some brought hats to keep my soon-to-be-naked head warm. A bunch of people, though, brought me fun wigs to wear and I thought I'd share some pictures with you because I'm stoked about it. My mom doesn't think I'll feel up to wearing wigs but I'm hoping she's wrong because I'm excited about it at this stage.

Also, don't I make a surprisingly okay-looking blonde? I was expecting to be a hideous blonde! :)

The clock is ticking

2009-08-11T01:49:00.002-06:00

Well, my surgery is officially "Next Week". Dun dun duuuunnnnn...

That makes it pretty real while also making it quite unreal. Why must everything be wrapped in simultaneous paradox these days? I'm accepting it while in denial. It's real while unreal. I'm calm but I'm freaking out. Jeez, whoever said having cancer at 29 is easy must've been doing it better than me. Oh wait. No one ever said that. Never mind.

I was at my cousin Melitta's 35th birthday party last weekend, a birthday party that modern medicine never anticipated because she "wasn't supposed to" live to 35. When she was diagnosed with primary pulmonary hypertension at age 19, they gave her 2 years tops. 16 years and a double-lung transplant later, she's proven them all wrong and become the longest-living survivor of PPH. But I digress... at her birthday party, a song came blaring out of my uncle's stereo that struck a chord with me (no pun intended). It's a song that meant a lot to us back when it came out in 1996, when she was on oxygen and had a portable pump injecting her with medicine 24/7 despite being only 22 years old. The song is Alanis Morrisette's "Hand in My Pocket" and it had meaning to us because of the line "I'm sick but I'm pretty". It was Melitta's mantra for quite some time, especially after we went to the concert at Red Rocks and they were selling bumper stickers with that exact line on it. Last weekend, the song came on and I experienced a jolting juxtaposition: the line applies to me now, not her. She's perfectly healthy, albeit with a suppressed immune system, and is now my support system instead of the other way around. I'm sick. Holy shit. I'm sick. That's such a foreign concept to me that my brain can hardly compute the data.

Incidentally, tying this back to the beginning of this mental meandering, the whole last stanza of that song is full of paradoxical states of being that truly apply to me these days. Behold:

I'm free but I'm focused.
I'm green but I'm wise.
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby.
I'm sad but I'm laughing.
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit.
I'm sick but I'm pretty, baby.

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet...

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is constantly on Facebook... reaching out... looking for and basking in your love and support, while dreading and accepting the passing of my last 10 days with my sweater bunnies.

Sigh of Relief

2009-08-05T12:14:00.002-06:00

"No evidence of metastatic disease."

I think that might be my favorite phrase in the English language. Well... okay, 2nd favorite phrase. It comes right behind "Okay, ma'am, here are your shredded beef tacos. Can I get you another Corona?"

I have been breathing sigh after sigh of relief for the last half hour since Dr. Kimm called to deliver my 2nd favorite phrase. Knowing what I'm dealing with, just the original tumor and no metastatic lung, ovary or brain involvement, makes this whole situation 90% less-scary to me. Now it's just a boring ol' bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction and 18 weeks of chemotherapy. Piece of cake! These are things that I've accepted and come to terms with over the last 3 1/2 weeks since diagnosis. Metastasis was NOT on my list of things I was ready to accept with open arms.

I finally feel like I can and will beat this thing because I'm no longer worried that it's lurking around other corners. I have breast cancer, which is TOTALLY doable. I'm not pretending that I'm stoked about the mastectomy, which is two weeks from tomorrow, or that I've got an easy road ahead of me. I'm just really glad to finally know that the road didn't get any more difficult than it already was. Like, yunno, trudging along a bumpy road to see the bridge up ahead get blown up or something. But no! My bridge wasn't blown up. I continue to walk this long and winding road but at least I have the bridges and don't have to find another way around. (Wow, this metaphor is wearing thin...) You get my point.

*sigh*

Now I can really enjoy graduation on Friday afternoon, my cousin Dave's wedding that night, and the C-21 graduation party on the 14th. No more monsters under the bed. The monster is sitting right there at my dinner table for all to see. Monsters aren't so scary when they're sitting at the dinner table. Everyone knows that. :)

PET scan results

2009-08-05T11:17:00.003-06:00

I just got the results of my full-body PET scan and the doctor says it shows no evidence of metastatic disease! YAY!!! Finally, some great news! So I just have the original tumor, something I've already come to terms with, and no new surprises to add to the burden. Again, YAY!!! Just thought I'd share. :)

Unanimous vote

2009-08-01T23:07:00.004-06:00

After lots thought and thorough consideration, me and my two aunts (who also have breast cancer) took a vote and we decided that this is how we feel about this disease. Since the vote appears to be unanimous and the wishes of the group seem clear, I think cancer better FUCK OFF already. Just sayin'.

Theme Song

2009-07-30T13:37:00.001-06:00

I've decided that this is my new Theme Song for the foreseeable future. Yes, my life was going SO well over the last few months since I left Tucson. Yes, this whole cancer thing really effin' sucks. But NO, it's not the end of the world. In fact, it's not really an end, it's more of a beginning. And, to be quite honest, this diagnosis has opened up new opportunities to me that were not there before, such as my photo shoot with Ellen or my plaster session with Boots or my license to wear whatever wig I so choose to work. Life has its ups and downs, it's all just a ride and we've got no choice but to go with it. This song is my new anthem. Video and lyrics both below, if you're interested.

Jem - "Just A Ride"

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
Our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
Accept that
There's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
Coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared now
Dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget enjoy the ride

Acceptance vs. Denial

2009-07-26T23:20:00.005-06:00

Acceptance. –noun
1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2. favorable reception; approval; favor.
3. the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.
4. the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.

It sure is hard to shoehorn this whole cancer thing into that definition, isn't it?

Denial. –noun
1. an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false.
2. disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
3. the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.
4. refusal to recognize or acknowledge.

That seems more appropriate, doesn't it?

Acceptance is a funny thing because it can be far more kinetic than expected. I find myself going for days at a time simply accepting my diagnosis, trudging ever forward on this path to Mastectomyville, unflinchingly and without question. Then suddenly, without warning, the full weight of the situation falls on my shoulders again like the 1000-pound gorilla that it is and I suddenly remember that we're not just talking about ANY 29-year-old with breast cancer, we really ARE talking about ME. And the cycle begins anew...

Denial. NO. NO WAY. I can't effin' believe this. It's not happening. It doesn't make sense. I'm too young. I've never smoked. I've never been a drinker. I've never ever been a drug-user. I'm slightly overweight but certainly not obese. Hell, I have a gym membership. I've even used it a few times. There is no reason for this and, thus, cannot be real. It just can't.

Anger. FUCK THIS. WHY ME? Why my beautiful breasts, of all things?? Why NOW, when my life has been going SO FUCKING WELL for the last few months? And why AGGRESSIVE cancer? Why not lumpectomy-worthy cancer? It fucking HAS to be bilateral fucking mastectomy-grade cancer? For the reals? For the really fucking reals? You have got to be motherfucking kidding me.

Bargaining. Deals with God(dess). If I just think some happy thoughts and be good, it'll go away. If I eat these avocado rolls for lunch instead of Wendy's, my tumor will shrink. I promise to go to the gym more and eat, like, 2 or 3 veggies a week if you'll just make my cancer diminish, Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz. Now I'll just click my tattoo three times...

Depression. Tears. Tears upon sobbing mess of tears. Vacant staring into the distance followed by laying in bed for three straight days. What's the point of getting up? I have cancer. The world is a cruel, horrible place where good people get saddled with terrible situations for no apparent reason. This sucks and I shall wallow in it because I know not what else to do.

Acceptance. It's all going to be okay in the end, I just have to get through this shit storm first. It is what it is and I can either fight or... well... not. The best thing to do is make lemonade with these painfully sour lemons and be sure to add enough sugar to lighten it up. I get to wear fun wigs and false eyelashes and other such girly girl things. I'll be done with chemo before my birthday, which will make my 30th that much bigger of a celebration. I'll have nothing left to panic about, since cancer has always been my main panic attack trigger in the first place. Once you beat your biggest fear, what else is there to panic about? My fear of butterflies? Everything else seems silly and pales in comparison. This too shall pass and I will have the harrowing tale of my survival to share for many, many years to come. And I'll grow ever closer to my friends and family along the way, as so many shoulders have been offered-up for my leaning needs.

Except that this shouldn't be happening... no, it's not really happening, it can't be...

Ah, the ebb and flow of all things. It's so hard not to get caught in the emotional undertow. We just gotta fight the pull, firmly plant our feet, and wrench ourselves out onto the beach of joy and love so as to avoid drowning in an ocean of fear and despair.

Easier said than done but never impossible.

I am a lotus, rising from the slime and muck to stand strong and beautiful above the water's surface.

Fear is counter-productive

2009-07-22T01:13:00.001-06:00

Fear certainly has its place in human evolution. The fight or flight response is extremely important and a jolt of adrenaline has kept many a human alive in the face of all sorts of extreme situations, from animal attacks to muggings in Manhattan. Fear does serve a purpose, at times.

However, in the course of a normal day-in-the-life, fear can be counter-productive. Fear can hold us back from making necessary change in our lives. Fear can paralyze us in the face of potential happiness. And fear can also take a bad situation and make it, seemingly, ten times worse.

Today, I was terrified.

A brilliant surgeon was laying a plan before me, a plan full of life-saving and life-enhancing choices, and I froze in the face of modern medicine. It was all too much. Too much information was being lauded upon me too quickly and I could no longer process any of it. My brain shut down, the fear took over, and I fell to pieces. Hearing the details of how my breasts would be meticulously removed, rebuilt, and reconstructed over the next year was terrible. Seeing pictures of actual reconstructions was horrifying, as they did not look as I'd expected. I felt as if my womanhood and my identity were being ripped from me in the face of this abhorrent disease, this mutation over which I have no control, and at an age when such things should not be happening. After 60 minutes with the surgeon and 55 minutes of crying my eyes out, I left with shaking legs and a heavy heart, simultaneously going through three stages of grief at once: denial that any of this is really happening, anger that it actually IS happening, and depression over the loss of my perfect twins.

Two hours later, after a recovery dinner with my mother, we got a phone call that my aunt's new husband of only 10 days, who has been in the hospital all week after a mesenteric vein thrombosis caused him to lose 2 feet of bowel, is going in for another emergency surgery to remove another foot. They're not expecting him to make it through and they are out of options if this doesn't work.

I gain perspective. I have options. I have life-saving options. Many are not lucky enough to have such luxuries. Some would be happy just to be alive with their new wife, even if it means living with a colostomy bag. My vanity takes a back seat and the fear leaves me. I will live through this and I need to be grateful for it.

By the by, he made it through surgery okay. He's not out of the woods but he is much better than he was hours prior.

Sometimes, one option is all you need. You just have to put the fear aside and make the choice to affect the necessary change.

A whole lot of bad news

2009-07-16T09:27:00.002-06:00

Okay, now for the horrifyingly bad news.

They basically gave me the worst news they could've given me based upon the information they have (mammogram, ultrasound, MRI, & results of tumor biopsy).

I am scheduled to have a double mastectomy, with reconstruction, on Aug 20. I'll start chemotherapy probably in September sometime. They won't know if radiation is necessary until after they check the lymph nodes, which they'll get during the mastectomy. I'll be genetically tested for the BRCA gene mutation in the next week or two and, if that test comes back positive, they'll probably remove my ovaries too because it puts me at risk for ovarian cancer.

Worst. Day. Ever.

What's next? I meet with my plastic surgeon on Tuesday to learn more about my reconstruction surgery. I meet with Oncology next Thursday to get that scary crap squared away. And in the meantime, I do my best not to fucking lose my mind.

I'm having a very hard time staying positive, trying so hard not to go to the dark and depressing corner of my mind where the Worst Case Scenarios live. Of course, I just got all of this news today so obviously I'm not expecting myself to process it all in the scant hours since the rug was pulled out from under me but still. I don't even want to "go there" because it will drive me mad.

Anyway, my first course of action is that I'm gonna go get a pedicure before heading back to school tonight. I just wanted to update everyone on the horrible fucking news. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. I hope I'll eventually get some good news to go along with 'em...

A smidgen of good news

2009-07-14T18:47:00.001-06:00

I got a call from my doctor's office this morning and they said that my MRI came back good. It shows no evidence that there's cancer anywhere else in either of my breasts, just in the original site. Now, the MRI doesn't show lymph nodes so I'll still have to get those checked, but it's good to know that the rest of my left breast is okay and my right one is totally clear. Just thought I'd let all y'all know.

I'm a soon-to-be survivor

2009-07-12T21:25:00.003-06:00

So... ummm... I've got breast cancer. No, I'm not joking. I really do. Invasive ductal carcinoma. I'm not sure what stage it is yet but I think it's stage 2. Will get more info later when I meet with my surgeon for a consult on Wednesday.

It's so very strange. I've been having panic attacks my whole life and the majority of them are spurned on by my mild hypochondria, usually when I self-diagnose cancer of some kind or another. I can't tell you how many nights I've found myself in a downward spiral of fear and panic at the mere idea of receiving a diagnosis like this. Many a Xanax has sacrificed its life to settle my crazy ass down.

Yet since I received this news on 7/8/09, I've only had one real panic attack and it was the first night after getting the diagnosis. Sure, I cried quite a bit on Wednesday and Thursday but, since then, I've been eerily calm. I'm not sure if I'm still in shock (doesn't feel like it) or in denial (doesn't feel like that either) or if I've just come to terms with it in record time and have just started moving forward.

I figure I have two options: I can stay calm and positive, choosing to beat this and knowing this will pass, surrounding myself with laughter and the love of my friends and family, or I can cry and worry and freak out and make myself sicker & sicker. It's a very easy choice for me. I'm only 4 days into my new identity as Amber Levene: Cancer Patient, and I feel comfortable in the role and confident that it is a temporary one.

It's hard to describe. Maybe it's like being in the eye of the storm? But I'm feeling very "one foot in front of the other", "one day at a time" and all that jazz.

*shrug*

I dunno. Anyway... just wanted to share and let y'all know what's going on...

Dejected

2009-07-03T11:24:00.001-06:00

I feel heartbroken, dejected, rejected, anxious, and lonely right now. Just so you know.

Sister kitteh!

2009-04-29T14:58:00.003-06:00

I'm pleased to introduce... Loki's new sister! She hasn't told me her name yet but she's super friendly and doesn't seem fazed by her new surroundings at all. Loki isn't thrilled right now but he'll be fine soon enough. For the time being, he's locked in my bedroom while my little girl explores my downstairs. She's so sweet!

Taking a quick break

2009-04-21T20:04:00.002-06:00

Phew.

Packing sucks. Moving sucks. (Unpacking is kinda fun...) I am SOOOO glad that this will be the last time I move for (hopefully) a long, long time. Like, 3 years at least!

I have moved so many times in the last two years, it's just silly. Left Alex and temporarily moved into my friend Heidee's house in Lafayette. Moved from Heidee's to my apartment in Arvada. Then from Arvada to my boyfriend's place in Tucson, also temporarily. Got a job in Catalina so I moved from Tucson to Oro Valley. Then got out of my lease 10 months later and moved back in with Aaron to save a few bucks. Then Tucson back to Broomfield. Now Broomfield to Arvada. I count 7 moves in just over 2 years.

If I'm counting correctly, I think I've moved 28 times in my life. And I'm 29 years old. Ugh. No mas.

Anyway, I'm taking a break from packing right now and trying to figure out why my room is looking messier and messier the more I pack. How does that happen?

Also, how on Earth did I manage to misplace the allen wrench needed for taking my bed apart? I must've had it when I moved in, since my bed is put together. I'm very annoyed about this because now I'll have to go out and buy an allen wrench kit, which is lame. I live in a 10'x10' room, there are not that many places this thing could hide! Fuck.

Oh well. On the plus side, I'm purging yet again, giving stuff to Goodwill that should've gone a long time ago. The good thing about moving is that I always end up letting go of some of my pack rat treasures solely because I don't feel like packing/moving these things. Plus, donating things is a nice thing to do.

*sigh*

Okay. Back to work. I close on my townhouse Thursday so it will all be worth it soon...

2009-04-15T01:47:00.001-06:00

This is a cute little serval cat I saw at the zoo on Friday. Ain't he cute??

This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime� 6.5 or higher is required.

This is excellent

2009-04-02T23:55:00.001-06:00

This has been cracking me up all damn night. If you've seen commercials for the "Snuggy" blanket, then you probably had the same WTF thoughts the rest of us had.

Single and tolerating it.

2009-04-01T01:06:00.005-06:00

After a 2-week visit at Christmas, Aaron returned to Tucson on Jan 3, thus officially ending our relationship. I have been single since that day and have felt like I've been doing a fairly good job in this new position.

Meaning: I've gone three whole months without a companion for the first time since the mid-90's, and I haven't had a meltdown yet. In fact, I thought that I'd been kind of enjoying my freedom from checking-in and from fighting for real estate in the bed throughout the night.

As it turns out, I have not been single and loving it. I've simply been tolerating it.

While talking with a friend today, I realized how much I miss the companionship that comes along with a good relationship. See, I thought the hardest part of being single was going to be the lack of easily-accessible sex. Nope. Turns out it's the companionship thing.

I miss laying in bed and talking before falling asleep. I miss always having dinner with someone. I miss the inside jokes. I miss spooning. And kissing. I miss random fits of laughter. I miss laughing at the cat together. I miss watching Discovery Channel together. And I miss having a hand to hold as I walk around town.

These things, I took for granted. I sometimes pulled away from Aaron (and Alex) when they were giving me these things on a silver platter. At the moment, I'd give just about anything for this kind of intimacy. Even without the sex.

And, lemme tell ya, I miss the sex part. A lot.

*sigh*

Oh well. Being single isn't so bad. I mean, I'm getting my life in order, what with the great job and the new friends and buying the townhouse and all that jazz, so I guess I'm getting myself ready to be a good partner. I'm preparing for my next big Love, my next Soul Mate (I'm of the opinion that we have many soul mates. It's just mathematics: I'm supposed to believe that people find the one and only perfect match out of 6 billion people on Earth? And this happens ALL THE TIME?). Yes, preparing my life for what is to come. Yeah. That's it. Sure.

I just wish I had someone to hold me in the meantime...

I miss this. A lot.

I miss this too.

Homesick. Well, schoolsick, actually...

2009-03-23T08:48:00.004-06:00

It's been well-documented here that I'm quite pleased with my job. It's a great fit, I've made some amazing friends, and I'm very happy.

Sometimes it makes me kind of sad, though.

Working in a massage school, seeing the students in their close-knit groups and studying anatomy and whatnot, it makes me really miss my classmates.

More specifically, it makes me miss my year at BCMT.

2003 was the best year ever. I was learning, I was growing, I was making life-long friends and connections, and I was going to the best school in the country to do it. My class was extremely close-knit. We laughed all the time. We supported each other through thick and thin. We partied together and studied together. We laid in each other's laps in class and rubbed each other's hands or feet or latissimus dorsis.

I cannot find the words to describe how much I miss that year and that experience, and how badly I wish I could re-live it. Sure, it was hard. I wouldn't be terribly excited to retake my pathophysiology mid-term or my anatomiken final, but it would be worth it to re-live so many of the best moments of my life.

Every day at work when I see the students, I find myself filled with a strange kind of jealousy (school envy?) as I watch them go about their day. Yes, even the ones who seem to hate being in my class. :) Oh, would that I could go back in time to hating my movement class...

*sigh*

I guess I'm homesick for school. Schoolsick, if you will.

On the plus side, I gave a massage to my best friend from BCMT last night, Miss Heidee, which gave me a taste of "back then" just by reminiscing and laughing with her again. I definitely need to see that girl more. I think it'll help with my current condition.

But you can't go backwards, right? All I can do is move forward and bring those memories with me, learning and growing and adding to my human experience. Until someone invents a time machine, of course. Then I am totally going back to January 2003. For the reals.

Gratitude List, 3/8/09

2009-03-08T23:15:00.002-06:00

- First of all, I am grateful for having known James Meadow, one of the fabulous writers at the Rocky Mountain News and one of my mom's dear friends. She worked at the News with him for over 10 years and I had the pleasure of meeting him on several occasions. He was a brilliantly funny man, with a biting sarcastic streak, and a wonderful writer; basically, my kind of guy. He passed away today, after a freak bike accident that may go forever unsolved, and the world is a little less bright today. I am just so happy and grateful to have known him.

- I am grateful that my aunt Janice's breast cancer was not as advanced as we'd feared, with the 15 removed lymph nodes coming back clean from pathology. It's a shame she has to go through chemo and radiation but she's alive and well, and will remain so for a good, long time. I'm very close with her and she has gone through hell over the last 14 years while her daughter had a lung disease leading to a double lung transplant, so it is a huge relief that she'll be okay.

- I am grateful to have landed what is, at this point in my life, my dream job. I know a lot of you are probably sick of hearing me say this but I absolutely love my job. I don't expect you to understand WHY I love a job that requires my crazy weekend hours, hours that so few would be willing to work, but just know that my work makes me happy. As it turns out, I'm a very good manager and I'm quite proud of myself for this. I wasn't sure I was management material when I was originally interviewing for the position, being the emotional Pisces that I am, but I've really surprised myself with my competence, drive, and passion. Helping to mold the MT's of tomorrow is wonderful! Now if I can just learn to watch my mouth... (*looks at Jimmy*) :)

- I am SO unbelievably grateful for my co-workers, every single one of them. I get along well with literally every single employee at DSMT, even the one who gave me problems for the first few weeks while she was warming-up to me. I am particularly in love with Colt, Jimmy, Nancy, Aubrey, Alecia, Colleen, Andrew, Alex, and Angie but I've shared laughs with or learned something from everyone else, in some capacity or another. Yes, even Bryan, despite his Red Wings Fan-ness... There were only a handful of great coworkers at my last job (lookin' at you Stacia and Kristina!), which may be part of why Tucson was so hard for me. It's just so nice to genuinely like everyone at work, up to and including my boss.

- I am also, of course, grateful for the paycheck I now make at said job, for it has put me in the position to buy real estate! The fear of my speedy decision to buy has mostly passed, leaving behind excitement and impatience. I cannot wait until April 1 to move into my own home, one that I own by myself and do not owe to my husband's salary. I realize, of course, that I created my own reality, saying since Jan 1 that "2009 is my year! I'm going to get an amazing job, turn 29, and buy a condo" so I realize that I manifested all that is happening. I just, yunno, am in shock at the speed with which I've created my world. It's only March 8, for Pete's sake! My power over Law of Attraction is just getting silly...

- I am grateful that my cat did not destroy anything while I was at work today. He's been angry at me for being gone so much on the weekends and usually destroys some amount of toilet paper or knocks everything off my vanity by Sunday night. I'm also grateful that I'll be able to get him a baby brudder to play with once I move. I'll also reward him with a big, ol' scratching post tower thing. The one shaped like a pagoda. :D

- I am grateful, yet again, for having dinner with Ash and Landon at Jose O'Shea's after a loooong day at work. Guac + laughs = hooray. I love you guys.

- I am grateful that Karena gave me an anatomically-correct, knitted heart for my birthday. It's so brilliantly and uniquely "Karena". Hooray for anatomy!

- I am grateful that I have a fucking rockstar of a stylist! I've never gotten so many compliments on my hair as I have since Meta took the reins. She's so awesome, she actually got me to take the time to straight-iron my wavy mop head every day. Hells yes.

- I am grateful that Sky is still stuck in clinic for two more shifts before graduation. Sure, he's an arrogant prick and I kind of want to strangle him whenever he talks but, DAMN, that boy can give a massage! I am so grateful to be the clinic manager so that I can take full advantage of his last few shifts before he's certified. Got 100 minutes of hard-core, painfully deep tissue massage from him Saturday and I'll likely be sore until Tuesday but, FUCK, I feel good!!!

- And, finally, I am grateful for every silly, dopey inside joke that brings on a fit of giggles. Vince the ShamWow guy, hiding the sausage (burrito), sparkly boobs, my gay 'work husband' adding "let me know if you wanna make out" to the end of every email he sends me, Nancy's under-wire, semen as the cure to the common cold, WORD/DIGIT, every one of the thousands of 'Your Mom' jokes that have spilled from Tyler's lips, Virginia's muffin top, Frontier vs. United, The national anthem of Uruguay, one fairie being in charge of all the monkey sex, my cat studying to become a shoe, and, of course, the Snuggie (because 'conventional blankets' can slip off when you reach for the remote!). I am always, always grateful for laughter and joy, friendship and love. To anyone who is reading this and with whom I've ever shared a laugh, know that I love you and appreciate you more than you can imagine!

Movin' on up and freakin' on out

2009-03-05T22:31:00.002-07:00

First and foremost, I'd like to say that if you don't have anything nice or encouraging to say to this post, keep it to yourself because I'm excited.

I put in an offer on a townhouse today. YIKES!

I know, I know. Fast. I move really fast. Seemingly too fast. Don't I want to look around more? Have I thought this through? Can I afford it? Shouldn't I live with Ty for a few more months and save up a bit more? Am I insane?

Let's make a pro and con list, shall we?

Pros:

- Close to work and family (read: Arvada, CO 80003)
- I was really hoping I could get a townhouse instead of a condo!
- Carport that opens directly into the kitchen. No hauling groceries up any stairs!
- The mortgage will be $518 plus taxes, bringing it up to $586. HOA is $170. Total monthly payment will be $756. Most apartments cost more than that and I can't imagine finding a townhouse this nice for that price.
- Brand-new remodeled kitchen and bathroom, with granite counters, never-been-used black appliances (shut up, I like black appliances), new cabinets, new vanity in the bath, and all new fixtures. Plus, there's a PERFECT, unobtrusive place for a litter box in the bathroom.
- Brand-new, high-quality carpet
- Freshly-painted with high-quality floorboards, molding, and doors.
- All east-facing windows, except in 2nd bedroom which is small south-facing.
- LOTS of storage space, from big ol' closets throughout and an outdoor storage space for my hockey equipment and camping gear.
- Double-pane windows
- I talked to the neighbor to ask what she thought of the area and she said she's been there three years and loves it.
- Small, fenced outdoor patio area with just enough space for me to attempt gardening but not so much that I'll feel like a mass plant murderer again (RIP, plants of 2005).
- I love the living room. For the reals.
- CHFA (Colorado Housing and Finance Authority) is giving me the 3.5% down-payment money thanks to a new program they rolled out and I will pay $1000 for earnest money. Interest rates as of today are 5.0%, which apparently is retardedly low. And I may or may not qualify as a first-time buyer (was on the deed to our house but not on the financing...) and might get the $8000 tax credit Obama rolled out this year.
- 824 sq ft of awesomeness, across the street from King Soopers, 7-Eleven, liquor store, and about a mile from Target, Qdoba, and my favorite Chinese restaurant ever.
- New-ish furnace
- Seller will pay closing costs and my first 8 months of HOA fees, thus my mortgage will only be slightly more than what I'm paying to live in Ty's spare bedroom. Yunno, for 8 months.

Cons:

- I'm scared.
- I only just started looking into buying LAST THURSDAY and wasn't even serious about it. It all just kind of happened because I wanted to see the inside of this other place in Old Towne Arvada and it all just snowballed.
- I was planning to live with Ty through summer so that I can save a bit more cash and now I feel like I may be jumping into this too quickly just because the place is so perfect for me.
- I'm scared.
- It's a middle unit. As in, it's between two other units. As in, it's not an end unit. Like, when I have parties, I probably shouldn't blast the music.
- I'm scared.

Okay, well, it's not like this matters at the mo'. I put in an offer already so... yunno... just gotta wait and see. If it's accepted, that'll be SCARY but awesome. If it's not, well, that'll suck but then I can go back to plan A. *sigh*

Did I mention that I'm scared?

Speaking of drama...

2009-03-03T02:24:00.002-07:00

Step 1: Submit Facebook friend request to ex-husband.

Step 2: Wait 2 1/2 months while ex-husband mulls it over before accepting FB request.

Step 3: Peruse his profile; see that he has himself listed as single and interested in dating; have the stones to look through ex-husband's photo albums, including the many pics he still has of him with his ex-girlfriend, who moved out back in October.

Step 4: Leave (what I thought was) a benign comment on a picture of them saying "Didn't you guys break up, like, months ago?"

Step 5: Ex-husband's ex-girlfriend messages him, saying "If your friends are going to comment on pictures of me, please remove my pictures from your page".

Step 6: Ex-husband deletes me from Facebook, only hours after adding me, and sends me an angry email about what a bad friend I am and that I have no tact and that I made that comment hoping that she would see it and he's rethinking his decision to try and be friends with me and blah blah blah.

Step 7: Wash hands of ex-husband, I guess. Or he washes his hands of me. Sheesh. WTF?

Minor epiphany

2009-03-02T09:56:00.003-07:00

I think I just realized why this job is so great for me and why I'm succeeding as well as I am.

Well, other than "because I'm passionate and smart and love what I do", of course.

Drama.

It's the drama. Student drama. Adult student drama. Dramas that aren't actually Earth-shattering or life-ending or really all that important in the scheme of things, but they seem like it at the time, when I'm dealing within this microcosm.

I'm not very good with the World At Large. Darfur, the wars going on around the world, the economy, local murders happening in my backyard, all the actual scary dramas happening everywhere on Earth. They scare me and I can't handle them. Well, maybe I can but I don't handle them well. Panic rushes upon me in the blink of an eye until I'm spiraling downward within my mind, over something that has nothing to do with me and over which I have no control.

At DSMT, there are mini-dramas going on all the time. All. The. Time. Student X is about to fail Clinic III and what do we do about that?, or Student Y is pitching a major fit that she wasn't selected to do chair massage at the Open House even though she's 8 months preggers and can't be on her feet all day, or Student Z is a psycho and just freaked out and told me "I can't help it if I'm a fucking cunt!" Drama. All. The. Time.

In the midst of it, it's all-consuming and I lose myself in discussions with Jimmy and Nancy about "Did Sarah drop out of the program or is she just ditching clinic?" or "Class D-28 had a 92% show rate!" or "Did you hear Gabriella already has a cruise ship job lined up?!" We spend a good part of our Saturdays and Sundays in discussions and meetings over these things, figuring out game plans to help troubled students or making sure to give credit where credit is due to the fabulously successful ones.

These dramas don't "matter" like the outside ones do. They affect only the people directly involved. The biggest difference to me, though, is that I am a part of it and, often, I am in control as the instructor of the class and manager of the clinic. I completely immerse myself in it, I am passionate about helping or supporting or motivating them, and I always look forward to my next shift. For 40 hours a week, I have some manner of control over (seemingly) major life dramas. And I get to dress really cute while I'm doing it.

I love what I do and I can feel myself thriving.

Is this really necessary?

2009-02-25T19:35:00.003-07:00

I was in a very pissy mood when leaving the Emissions Testing Center, after they made me pay not only for an emissions test but for a $15 VIN verification (which is essentially $15 for some dude to look at my VIN plate and mark "this is not a stolen car" on a form), so when I came to this intersection, I could feel acid sarcasm rising inside me but I had no immediate outlet. So I took a picture to share with you:

Is this arrow really fucking necessary? If there were no arrow here, would there be some stupid ass motherfuckers out there who would come to this intersection and drive through the BRICK WALL ahead, thinking they had more options than left or right? Jesus H. Christ... *shakes head*

Unhappy Birthday

2009-02-20T00:37:00.003-07:00

Today is my 29th birthday and it's not starting off well.

12 minutes into February 20, 2009, I am trying my best to fend off a panic attack that is trying to tear its way through me. Two hours ago, my mom informed me that my aunt's Stage 1 breast cancer is actually Stage 2, as it's apparently in her lymph nodes. Less than a month ago, the doctors thought it was nothing, not even worrisome enough to be called Stage 1. Now, after a lumpectomy, a few biopsies, and too many mammograms, here we are.

I know that Stage 2 is NOT Stage 4, so I don't need to be freaking out just yet. However, I can't pretend not to be scared and sad about this news, because I'm very close with this particular auntie, and I just don't know how to cope with such a harsh discovery. The rational side of me wants to do what I always do and use the Law of Attraction and the power of positive thought to help her kick this thing. I want to set up my altar, burn sage and candles, meditate, and send her all the happy and healing thoughts I can muster. The irrational side of me wants to cry myself to sleep and let this panic attack take hold. Well, I don't WANT to let the panic rush over me, I just know that's what will happen if my defenses break and the tears begin to flow. Just two weeks ago, I had the worst panic attack I'd had in two years, so I am really not looking forward to having two big ones in two weeks, especially when my Xanax supply is nearly exhausted...

28 minutes into my 29th birthday now, blogging to keep myself busy, distracting myself with Pandora.com internet radio, stalling so I won't have to crawl into bed with my racing thoughts. I'm desperately trying to ignore the downward spiral below me, beckoning me to start worrying about the fragility of life, the "you never know what will happen tomorrow"-ness, and (worst of all) mortality in general. Actually, no, not in general. Mortality in specific, specific to someone I love dearly and who means a whole helluva lot to me.

Fuck.

This just sucks. I really, really, REALLY hope my birthday gets a bit brighter in the next 23 hours and 22 minutes...

Just checking in

2009-02-14T22:20:00.002-07:00

Life is grand.

I can't get over how much I love my job. I keep waiting for there to be something about it that pisses me off or something that I hate about it but there isn't anything (so far). My boss is incredibly cool and extremely supportive, my fellow teachers are wicked cool (as far as I can tell, although I don't know them terribly well yet), and I absolutely adore my teaching assistants. I try to decide which of them is more wonderful and it's impossible to choose. My team is extremely passionate about the program and about clinic and it's just an absolute pleasure to work with them. This is my 4th weekend in clinic and my 12-hour shifts still feel like regular 8-hour days. Blessed Be.

Outside of work, not a whole lot is going on. I (finally) joined Netflix this week so I've been spending too much time catching up on 2 seasons of The Office and 30 Rock. The instantly downloadable movies are the greatest thing ever, especially with my fabulous new laptop. I watched The Muppets Take Manhattan two nights ago and it pretty much made my week. Fucking classic.

Let's see... my 29th birthday is this Friday the 20th. Please feel free to send jewelry, gift cards, or just plain ol' cash. Thanks.

Is it spring yet? I'm so ready for the season change! I'm noticing the 7am sky getting lighter each week when I drive in to work so I really wish the temp change would come with it. After a year in Tucson, land of constant summer, I am chomping at the bit for a beautiful Colorado springtime. The tree-hugging dirt worshiper in me can't wait to see the buds on those trees. *sigh* Alas, the Equinox is still 5 weeks away...

Alright, I guess that's about all for now. Sorry it's been so long between posts. I keep thinking about writing but all I really come up with is more variations on "I LOVE MY JOB" and I figure that probably gets boring for you folks after awhile. I'll try to be more interesting later...

Feel the LOVE

2009-01-24T20:59:00.002-07:00

You guys, I LOOOOOVE my job!!! Yeah, yeah, I know it's only been two days. And yeah, I know I loved Miraval at the beginning too (the only reason I STOPPED loving Miraval was because Ron was fired and Diana was promoted, btw! It didn't suck until the management change!). But still, I fucking love my new position.

I worked my first 12-hour shift today and it felt like 8 somehow. That's a good sign, right? I met half of the school's students today and got to talk to some of them quite a bit. I received two massages, one was a reflexology session and one was sports massage, and both were wonderful. I got to know my Teaching Assistants better and I LOVE them! Actually, they're two of the best things about my job. Nancy and Jimmy are my left and right arm men (well... people). Super helpful, super passionate, super well-informed, and both are graduates of the DSMT program. Plus, super nice and have super awesome taste in music. Super!

The best part, though, is when I realized I was TEACHING. It's just amazing to me that I still became a teacher, 8 years after I thought that ship had sailed.

*sniffle*
*wipes tear*

And on top of all of this, I have a boss who I actually like and respect! I finally have a fabulous boss! I haven't had a fabulous boss since Kelly back at Travel & Transport and that was 6 freakin' years ago. We have a lot in common, from our sense of humor to our taste in music to the way we talk, and we got along instantly from the very first interview. Actually, I wanted to be friends with her from the first time she called me to schedule my interview. I'm just so damn happy to be working for someone I respect and for whom I WANT to work hard and push myself. I'm already brainstorming ideas on how to reward my kids for attendance (100% attendance is mandatory to pass this class but... well... you know how kids are. Even when some of them are 50-year-old kids). I've got another 12-hour day of clinic Sunday and then Monday I'll be training with the Big Boss Man, the corporate clinic director, so I'll toss around some ideas with him while I'm learning how to run all my administrative reports to show our numbers from the weekend.

Then I'm off Tues, Wed and Thurs! Except that I think I'm going to go in on Tuesday to sit in on a class or two. I went to Boulder College of Massage so I want to see how DSMT's classes are run and get a better feel for where my students are coming from.

*sigh*

I can't believe I have students.

LOVE. MY. JOB.

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

2009-01-21T15:26:00.001-07:00

I am officially the Clinical Internship Instructor and Clinic Manager at Denver School of Massage Therapy! I'm freakin' beside myself right now!! And I start Friday!!!! WHEEEEE!!!!

Two down, one to go

2009-01-14T20:11:00.002-07:00

My 2nd interview went really well today! It was a panel interview with three of the school's instructors and I feel like I really held my own. I had a lot of the right answers and even when I didn't know how to answer a question, I admitted to that and they loved it. They gave me a scenario and asked what I would do. I said I'd have no idea how to go about it and that I would go to the other instructors to ask for their help. The panel loved my willingness to ask for help, so hooray for that.

I learned a lot more about the position today and, I must say, I MUST HAVE THIS JOB. I just feel that it will be such a good fit for me! My official position will be Clinical Internship Instructor, which is also the massage clinic manager for the school. I'll have a staff of 3-4 reception people and two teaching assistants. Since they've been without a clinic manager for awhile, one of the T.A.'s has been running the show and he was one of the people interviewing me today. He seems to be really good at this and is a really nice guy, so I look forward to learning the ropes from him. I'm excited about being an instructor at a massage school, it's truly what I've wanted to do since graduating from BCMT 5 years ago. My year spent in massage school was the best year of my life and I've wanted to go back ever since graduation day. Plus, I'm so jazzed at the opportunity to be an instructor! I went to Colorado State University for two years to become an orchestra teacher but dropped out in my sophomore year. Nearly 10 years later, I'm getting a second chance at becoming a teacher and I'm just beside myself with excitement.

Okay. So. I still have to make it through one more interview, the third and final one. And, thank god, I already have it scheduled. No more phone tag! No more calling every day to beg for an interview time! No more worrying! No more freaking out! Final interview is on Wed the 21st at 1:00 with the corporate clinic director man via webcam. Which is nice because I can just RELAX for the rest of this week and actually ENJOY being unemployed for one more week. Not that the job is in the bag but... well... it has never once occurred to me that I might not get this position. This is MY job. I just need to get through the formalities of convincing everyone else that it's mine.

Seriously, after talking to these three teachers today and hearing more about the job, I'm convinced that I am exactly what they are looking for and exactly what they need. I'm also convinced that they are exactly what I am looking for and need. It's going to be a perfectly symbiotic relationship and I am just thrilled about it.

So... now I just wait. And enjoy. And look forward. And visualize my new business cards and my new office and my new schedule.

It feels good. I'm happy. And excited. And relieved.

Ahhhh...

Dear Katy Perry

2009-01-07T22:52:00.003-07:00

I just made a new MySpace friend named Em J, like 5 minutes ago, and she had written this letter to Katy Perry on her blog. I have been raving about this dumb skank every god damned time I hear "I Kissed A Girl" so I absolutely love what she wrote and have decided to repost it here because I AGREE WITH EVERY DAMN WORD. I absolutely hate this trendy "girls kissing girls to get attention from boys and then calling themselves bisexual" non-sense. It's fucking retarded. Sexual orientation doesn't just suddenly change, especially not for the promise of free drinks. Die on fire, Katy Perry. Die. On. Fire.

"Dear Katy Perry,

Thanks for setting bisexuals back another 10 years. "I kissed a girl, just to try it, hope my boyfriend don't mind it...."????? Excuse me, I just vomited in my mouth a little bit. The fact that this song is the number 1 single in America just adds insult to injury. Wow, being "bi" for attention is soooooo trendy right now. If you are a bar slut who makes out with other girls for attention/free drinks, you are not bi, you are a SKANK. A bisexual is someone who has relationships with both men AND women, not a drunken whore who makes out with her friends to turn her boyfriend on. Katy Perry, I hate you. I especially hate you because any time you are interviewed about kissing girls/being "bi", etc., you give stupid, evasive answers and refuse to admit whether or not you have even kissed a girl. ICK ICK ICK! Just FYI, Jill Sobule wrote a song called "I kissed a girl" like 10 fuckin years ago, and at least the lyrics were good, it was somewhat realistic, and it was provocative. And at least she wrote it herself. Unlike you. I think I speak for all bisexuals when I say, "We do not want 'I Kissed a Girl'" to be considered some kind of "bi anthem". You suck at singing and you suck at life."

Who are you?

2009-01-06T21:09:00.004-07:00

Or better yet, who am I?

I'm having a very introspective, soul-searching kind of day. I'm questioning things I wasn't concerned with yesterday. I'm pondering and reaching, trying to find answers that may not even be there. Or at least maybe they haven't appeared yet... like when you're playing Legend of Zelda and you know you need the boomerang in order to advance through the Forest Temple but you haven't found the boomerang quite yet, so rather than move forward, you have no choice but to keep searching for it.

*sigh*

I'm pretty sure that my self-perception is inaccurate. I feel like I'm This but the feedback I get from others says that I'm That. Now I'm left trying to figure out if I'm This, That, or The Other, maybe a combination of the previous two.

I like to think that I'm constantly evolving and changing. Hell, if there's one thing constant about me as a psycho Pisces female, it's that change does not scare me. I got divorced in record time and moved across country almost on a whim, then decided to move back after having one particularly bad night alone. I go through jobs faster than most people go through a pair of jeans and have never held the same job longer than 2 years. Big change is an issue for me but not necessarily something I fear. I'd almost go so far as to say I thrive upon it, though I'm not proud of this fact.

It's the little changes that seem to give me trouble. Changes in my actions and reactions, my attitudes, my wild mood swings, and watching my god damned mouth. Changing basic character flaws does not come easily to me, although Aaron swears up and down that I've come a looooong way from when we first started dating two years ago. I feel like I've grown up a lot between 26 and almost 29. I feel like I've become much more aware of my behavioral issues, especially in romantic relationships, and will be a better partner to my next victim. But then something always seems to happen that points to NO, YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED MUCH and I feel like I'm back to square one.

Now that I'm back in Colorado, I would LOOOOVE to go back to my therapist whom I was seeing before I moved to Tucson. She was helping me deal with getting divorced from someone I loved while simultaneously dating someone new, working through all those contradictory feelings, but then I moved away before our work was complete. I went to two new therapists in Tucson but didn't click with either of them. Now that I'm back, I really wish I had some fucking health insurance so I could afford to see her again and get back to sorting myself out.

*sigh, again*

I guess I'm still just muddling through life, trying to figure it out. I just really look forward to being at the point where I feel like an honest to goodness Adult, with a stable job that I'm not constantly afraid of losing, a stable group of friends that I'm not constantly afraid of losing, and a stable relationship that isn't hindered under the weight of my divorce baggage and long-distances. I'll be 29 on February 20. That seems like an age where such things should not be out of reach and seems like a good year to really learn who the fuck I am. Right? Right???

Exactly 10 years

2009-01-04T01:20:00.002-07:00

I thought I'd share this because I thought it was bizarre and kinda freaky.

Aaron and I broke up today, January 3, 2009, for good this time, when I dropped him off at the airport and he went back to Tucson after visiting for Xmas. No more on again, off again. No more long-distance. No more anything. It sucks. I'm not happy about it. I'm single now.

I'm single for the first time in a long time.

I'm single for the first time in EXACTLY 10 years, actually.

I met and started dating Alex on Jan 4, 1999. I was with Alex and then was immediately with Aaron as soon as my marriage ended, not even a minute between the two.

Jan 4, 1999 - Jan 3, 2009. Is that weird? Exactly ten years?

I thought it was pretty weird...

Ew, why???

2008-12-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

Why, oh why did someone decide that Skittles + chocolate = good? NO!

Skittles + Chocolate = Epic Fail

I want to kick the person who gave this product the green light...

Unemployed at last!

2008-12-27T09:38:00.002-07:00

No. Wait. Unemployment at last!

I've been dealing with a snafu with the Arizona unemployment office which has caused me to not get any unemployment payments and which has totally sucked. After 4 weeks of calling the provided number and getting the recording that says "Thanks for calling AZ unemployment. Due to high call volume, we can't help you now, call back later", I FINALLY got through to an actual human being yesterday. They had managed to drop my SSN out of the active claims system but now it's back in and now I'll be collecting my whopping $240/week. Yay! I know $240/week doesn't sound like much but it's WAY more than $0/week so I'm pretty stoked. Plus, they're going to pay me back payments for the last three weeks that got fucked up. Super YAY! Big paycheck for me!

Now, I'm only allowed 19 or 20 weeks of unemployment so we really want me to get that awesome job at the Denver School of Massage, okay? Really really. I had a great interview on Monday and the lady was supposed to call me Friday to schedule a 2nd interview but she was out sick with a high fever soooo... we're hoping she calls me Monday to schedule the 2nd interview and then I'll get hired real quick for this awesome job that is perfect for me, my abilities, and my passion. Okay? Okay. Good. Glad we had this talk.

I'm siiiiiick

2008-12-23T08:05:00.003-07:00

Blech. I hate being sick. Especially when vomiting or other such unseemly activities are involved.

It's probably some sort of flu. It's just not the kind of flu where I want to curl into a ball and beg for God to please have mercy and take me now. It's just a flu that gives me an overall oogy feeling, makes me not want to eat much, and thus makes me feel really weak. I've been sleeping for 18 of the last 24 hours and I'm thinking I may go back to bed after posting this.

It really sucks because a.) tomorrow is xmas eve. And b.) my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend is on a flight from Tucson to Denver as we speak and I want to, uh, have enough energy to, like, do stuff when I see him. Oh, and I also don't want to puke during, you know, whatever we end up doing...

Now if you'll excuse me, my body is asking to be relieved of some more fluids and then I'll be crawling back in bed. Thanks for your time...

Chicken soup for the soul

2008-12-21T14:44:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how much good one cup of coffee with a close friend can do for one's well-being and spirit. One latte and two hours later, I feel infinitely better than when I woke up.

I also find it interesting that we can be surprised to be reminded of how much we treasure certain friends. Does that make sense? Like, I know I love my friends. Duh. But sometimes I'll be sitting with this friend or that friend and it'll hit me like a ton of bricks that "Man, this person is so fucking awesome and I am so happy to have this person in my life." Not that we necessarily take friends for granted most of the time. I'm just not sure we occasionally take the time to really stop, think, and realize how truly wonderful our friends are and revel in the gratitude of such things.

It was FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC to see you today, Ash. I didn't realize how desperately I missed you until you walked through the door! Love you long time, babe.

OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

2008-12-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

This morning, I sent a cover letter and resume to apply for this job:

Currently seeking Clinical Internship Instructor to Manage student massage clinic in a Vocational School environment.

If you have a proven track record of meeting and exceeding goals, a strong drive to help others succeed, and if you can multi-task with exceptional customer service skills, we want to meet you. Ideal candidate will be a Certified Massage
Therapist with a minimum of 3 years experience working in the field. Previous
supervisory or management experience preferred!

Essential Duties include: Create, manage and supervise Clinical Internship staffing flow including student schedules and make-up schedules. Hire, train and counsel
Clinical Internship staff. Communicate clinic and/or student concerns to
appropriate management. Handle student and customer issues as they arise and
report to Director or Education Manager. Conduct Clinical Internship protocol
class. Create, instill and maintain an attitude of Complete Customer Service in
all clinic staff. Create, maintain and disseminate to the Campus Director and VP
of Clinical Internship a weekly statistical report of clinic activity as directed.

Scheduled Hours: The Clinical Internship operates every Saturday and Sunday and is open for 12 hours each day. This is where the majority of the scheduled hours will be spent. If you are interested in applying for this position, please be advised that weekends are required.

We offer a competitive salary commensurate with experience and excellent benefits to include medical, dental, life, vision, disability, paid vacation/ sick/
personal/ holiday time off, a matching 401(k) retirement plan.

Five minutes after sending the email, the lady called me to schedule an interview! She told me that she doesn't say this often but she was VERY impressed by my cover letter and wanted to give me mad props for that (she didn't say mad props. She meant it, though). Anyway, I'm interviewing on Monday at 11:00 and I am beside myself with anxiety and excitement. It's a pretty impressive-sounding job, management level and everything. She said we won't have a problem arguing about pay because it pays better than the $15/hr I was asking for. Also, I'd be off Tues, Wed, Thurs most weeks, which is fine by me. Working 12 hours every Sat and Sun kind of sucks but then I think about how I've been spending my weekends lately and realize I may as well be managing a massage clinic rather than watching another House marathon on USA. I'm not certain that I'm quite qualified for the position but I am a quick learner so as long as someone is training me, I should be fine.

The really cool thing is that I mentioned on my resume that I'm seeking a supervisory or teaching position at a massage school. She asked if I'd be interested in moving into a teaching position eventually and I said yeah except that I don't have a bachelor's. She said a degree is nice but she's more interested in experience and personality. So 10 years after dropping out of the music education program at CSU, I may still get a chance to be a teacher! Isn't that crazy?

Oh, and did I mention that this is at the Denver School of Massage Therapy, which is located across the street from Westminster Mall?? Hell, that's like the dead center of my 'comfort zone', 6 blocks from my mom's house and 6 blocks from Alex's house.

Happy, happy, HAPPY thoughts here people! I've wanted to work for a massage school since graduating so we REALLY want this to happen!

What a difference 6 months makes...

2008-12-15T23:00:00.002-07:00

My summer in Tucson...

And my winter in Denver...

I didn't get the job and I'm not qualified to sleep, either.

2008-12-12T12:45:00.002-07:00

I had a 1st and 2nd interview this week at a chiropractic office in Brighton and I really thought the job was in the bag. It was for a front desk/admin position but I would've also been trained as a chiropractic assistant, which would have been AWESOME. Plus, it paid $14/hr, which also would have been AWESOME.

But, alas, they found someone with 10 years of experience as a C.A. and had run all aspects of a chiropractic office so they went with the experienced person rather than the fabulous one. *sigh*

On top of that, I got a call this week from the CU sleep lab, telling me that I did not qualify to take part in their sleep study. WTF? How did I not qualify to sleep with electrodes on my head and a pulse/ox on my finger? Lame and lame. They'll keep my info on file for future tests but that really doesn't help me make money NOW.

I'm back to square one now, applying for everything and anything on craigslist that pays more than $12/hr... Boo.

Much love to my only follower...

2008-12-10T20:35:00.001-07:00

Hi Ash! How are ya! Miss you, babe. Coffee soon, okay? :)

Religion, In Laura's Eyes

2008-12-08T08:37:00.002-07:00

My beautiful friend Laura, who lives in Kosovo, posted this on her blog today and I just loved it. It's quite a brilliant way to think about religion, really, and I think everyone could benefit from taking a minute to read this and then taking a minute to think about it afterward.

I am really opinionated! :)
I personaly am Baha'i (If you want to know about that: http://www.bahai.org/ ).
I go to any type of worship to pray, whether it is Hindu, Christian, pagan, Muslim, etc.
I am currently going to Liberty University in Virginia, which is probably the most Christian College in the US.

I personaly do not care one way or the other what people want to do for Winter Solstice. I don't believe in Christmas, but I also don't think that preventing anyone from praying, celebrating, or worshiping, in any way that doesn't hurt others, is wrong.

I like Christmas. I like Christmas trees, and the lights on the houses. I like Nativity story scenes, and watching a Charlie Brown Christmas with my Dad. I like Christmas Stockings and Santa Claus. I like gathering with my atheist relatives to have a family gathering. I like Egg nog and I like Cranberry sauce. I like Christmas Carols and Christmas Presents. I like tradition and I like Jesus. I like Angels, and I like Mary. Just because I don't believe the same as someone else, does not make them any less mine.

I also like Hannakuh and I like Yule. Names and traditions are created by people not by Gods. I sometimes notice that a lot of people who are not Christian seem to be very nervous about anything that is, and I say screw that! Just because they claim it does not give them ownership, and does not mean that I can't have it too. I was getting Christmas cards worked on today, and found myself wondering if I shouldn't have said happy Yule instead of Merry Christmas on a pagan friends card, or whether I should say God Bless in a Christian friends card, and I decided that if anyone does not like their card they can throw it in the trash!!!! :)

I don't care if they put the ten commandments on the wall of the court building, and I don't care if people pray in schools. I don't care if it says "In God we Trust" on our money, or that it says "One Nation under God" in the pledge of alegiance.
If something is said that I don't believe in then how does it affect me? If they want me to swear on a Bible and think that is going to keep me honest, that is their problem. I don't mind saying or hearing "God" in any situation. God is not a name, and it is not owned by the Christian Faith. I also don't care if other people don't believe or what they believe. If I believe and you don't, how does your lack of faith affect mine? My faith would have to be pretty weak for you to be able to harm it, or alter it with your own.

Equality means an equal right to having freedoms, it does not mean that we are or should try to be the same. Equality: The equal treatment of people irrespective of social or cultural differences.

I think it is really sad that people are stealing signs and throwing acid on stuff, just because it is not something they believe. It is also really too bad that these people have apparently not read the Bible, since they sin by their own belief constantly. How hard it must be for them to pray to God with so much shame...

I am sad that people think that Muslim's are bad now, becasue Iraq is a Muslim nation. Kosovo is too, and I've never had any problem involving religion here! Maybe Christians should just ban free speech in the US, and then all of my friends can pack up their families and we'll all move to Canada...LOL!
I hope that wasn't over doing, but I was really thinking!

Follow me!

2008-12-02T01:40:00.002-07:00

Hi. See all those things over there on the right of the page? No, not the slide show. No, not the profile thingy. The Follower thing. Yeah, that. You should go add yourself there as a blog follower. You know, so that I know you love me and whatnot. Yesh. Then I can love you more, you can love me more, and, according to Burt Bacharach, what the world needs now is love, sweet love. It's the only thing that there's just too little of. So go on. Follow me, my lovely!

To sleep or not to sleep...

2008-12-01T19:15:00.002-07:00

Okay, so... I've been trolling craigslist, Yahoo HotJobs, and Monster for two weeks now, applying for pretty much every job for which I'm qualified and that I think may be remotely interesting/lucrative.

On this search, I came across an interesting "Other" job posting. It seems that the University of Colorado at Boulder is conducting a sleep study in order "to examine the effects of caffeine, melatonin, and light exposure on daily patterns in human physiology and behavior, to help us develop better treatments for jet lag and sleep disorders." There is a long study and a short study that I could take part in and get paid for my involvement.

This intrigues me.

Both studies start with a basic physical, blood work and EKG, just to be sure I'm a healthy 28-year old woman. The short study involves a week of me tracking my sleeping patterns at home by writing down bedtime and wake time for a week as well as calling their special answering machine to let them know I'm going to bed or waking up. It also involves living in their sleep lab for 3 1/2 days to be monitored and tested. It would pay me $503 for this study.

The long study starts the same way, with the week of sleep tracking, but the lab part is much longer. "You will then live in the sleep lab on four occasions; each visit you will stay in the lab for five 24-hour days." Okay, I know it sounds kind of crazy and time-consuming but it also sounds kind of cool. Plus, they would pay me $3,060. Not bad for a month's work.

I dunno, I'm thinking about doing it. I mean, I don't have a job so it's not like it would interfere with such things. And I'd be off for two days at the end of the week. I'm unclear whether or not I'd have internet access or tv access (the Avalanche!) or cell phone access. I need to get clarification on all of that. I know that they have specific things in mind for me like making me stay awake for 40 hours on days two and three and I'll also have to do some things on a computer, including a driving simulator. They'll test my sensitivity to bright and dim light, study my sleep patterns and body temperature, etc. It seems kind of crazy and time consuming but the payoff is pretty damn good and it's a really interesting thing to do, don't you think?

Sure, I won't get to see friends and family as often as I'd planned when moving back to CO but it's only a month's worth of work. As long as it starts in the new year, I think it would be pretty cool. I dunno... I think I may do it...

The first snow

2008-12-01T00:53:00.003-07:00

The view from my balcony. Colorado is much colder than Arizona... this NO DUH moment brought to you by Lotus.